Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

You are correct, and once that you see, you can't un-see..

So what is different now ?

How are you different ?

How do you react differently ???

How do you act differently...???

Ask me for specific examples if you want.

What is different now is me. My coping mechanisms, responses to situations, how I challenge myself for improvement, and the understanding of myself have all changed from how I was 8 months ago.

How I am different - well, the biggest one is that I proactively address my own problems as opposed to masking them and ignoring them. I have also accepted that I cannot fix others, nor control them. I am only in control of me. I have remembered myself and the self I wanted to be.

How do I react differently? To my W, I actually listen and prove it back with validating language or response. I do not try to fix nor control. I am willing to provide assistance if requested, but even then the type of assistance does not have me fixing and is on my own timeline. And don't run with this too far please, I am not talking about changing tires. Again, specifics are offered, but your question will need to be less general or you get a general answer.

How do I act differently? I am able to listen to people now. I take proactive steps for managing ADHD, which has helped open a world up to me I never had access to. A world where I can look people in the eye and listen to them without thinking about what I want to say next, how desperately I want them to go away, or what I am going to do or already have done that day. I am also now able to start and finish something in a single movement which I could not do before. Books get read, food does not get burned, laundry gets put away. I simply could not do that stuff before not for lack being able, but because I could not understand why it mattered. This has been important in how I act, not just w/ my W, but in all things and to all people. The few responses since coming to DB community have shown me that the significance of this in my life will not be well understood. So please do not suggest I use it nor tell me not to use it as a crutch. I don't. I state it because it is a significant part of my story.
W/ my W how do I act differently - I listen, I do not offer to fix, I do not try to control, in short I give her space and keep my own.

Yep...except that YOU aren't married to Hesse...

Sounds like an easy question huh ???

Yet it seems to take down the noblest of men when asked...

I said the questions were "simple...,but challenging", so no they did not sound easy to me. I am not convinced that I failed to answer any of those questions nor that I answered them with avoidance behavior. I believe that the few who addressed my responses back to me seemed quite taken in exception by my answers; Hesse response statistically garnished the most replies. I am convinced now that a different type of response was desired from me in the love questions.

So allow me to propose my own question about said responses to my responses:

Was it noticed that my answers to the love questions were consistently answered with conceptual responses, while all other questions were answered specifically or mentioned I did not know and would think on it? If the answer to this question is no, than I hope some confusion has potentially just been been cleaned up across all parties.
If the answer is yes than I believe we truly need to hit the reset button on our communication. Please let it be known that any expression of concern or defense I have shown is based upon the fact that I viewed the love questions in a conceptual context, exemplified by the fact that I consistently answered all of those questions with conceptual answers and am feeling as if I was either misunderstood or deliberately misled. Further, I am not looking for apology or validation on this. My reply is simply and effort to illustrate my perception so that a forward motion might begin again as I am admitting to how greatly this misunderstanding bothers me.

In the interest of not addressing problems without possible solutions, please allow me to offer potential variation(s) to those questions which would have resulted in more exact answers from me:

What does love with your W look like now that you are separated versus the worst point or best point in your M?

What actions do/did you take to show people you are/were giving them love?

When others are/were giving love to you, how are/were you showing them you are/were receiving their actions?

I am not convinced, that you know what any of these mean...

And that is okay for now...

It's also the reason that he asked you the question.

Think I covered above.

Have you read the 5LL ??

Not entirely, some of it. my reply to Wonka later will offer some insight on this.

Feeling loved and giving love, are at your core.

They are based on how you think, act, speak, etc..

Core issues don't typically ebb and flow like feelings do...

Feelings of love are often fleeting at best...true deep love however, differs greatly...

I agree with all of this.

Why did she dump you at 19/20 ?

Cause I am thinking, that the FIRST sign of this being a dysfunctional relationship, which appears to be...

I answered this one, its on my reply to eric's initial reply to me.

So how do you stop that cycle ??

How close are you to accepting 100% of your half in this ?

I also see a LOT of "we" in there...

Sure, you both sukced at this relationship.

However...YOU are the one here now...

I asked you very similar questions the other day on RSG's thread up in Newcomers...

You avoided them then, and I see a lot of avoidance in this response to the freakin Rican....

How do I stop that cycle? I can only stop it for me. Have I yet? Not too sure yet, but I am on my way. As stated above, not fixing, giving her space and taking my own, allowing her to be n her own journey, I am on mine. Seems like a start for breaking that cycle to me.

How close am I to 100% in accepting my responsibility? 100% is my answer for what I am aware of is my responsibility. If you had asked in understanding all of the ways I was responsible, I would say 90% with a caveat to adjust that number as required. I acknowledge there may be things which I was responsible for that I remain unaware of or do not know/ see yet. What I understand I was responsible for, for those I have analyzed, accepted, and begun action on, yes I accept and the proof is in the work I am doing. Some things are complete, some never will be due to what they are and for those work happens daily for the rest of life until I die.

Yeah, the "we's" in the answer were the way I understood the question, but you are fair to point this out. No argument against it. I will say that is not where my mind is at currently; I think of her and I as separate people in my mind.

Wow, if I overlook something I assure it was not intentional certainly not from avoidance. I will go back and find it. Apologies. I do not know what freakin Rican is or what response I avoided. Someone I replied to might be Puerto Rican?

Listen Mach1, and with all due respect, to you claiming I avoided something twice - since coming to DB community I have openly admitted to my wife actively sleeping with another man, that I am recovering from drug addiction, that I ignored my son, that I was molested, that my mother beat me, that I spied on my wife, that I was a criminal in my teenager years, that I struggle with violence, that I cheated on women, and every other self-deprecating item allowable to my life. Further, I have done my best to be here daily and offer support to others while seeking support on my own, my fight for self thread on newcomers is dominated by posting information dedicated primarily to helping people understand why the hell of infidelity exists. I assure you, I cannot illustrate an honesty any deeper than I have already done and I am not avoiding anything on purpose. Illustrations of action are desired here, I would suggest my actions support my claim.

I want to help you help me, but please be clear and remember sometimes people just don't understand the question or the communication approach. I also want to help those of you who help us. I have been a manager of other people for 12 years. One of the best things I proactively state is that "if you have a problem with understanding me and you do not share that problem with me, what opportunity have you given me to help either of us?" Those of you helping me are not mind readers, and I have now given you an opportunity.

In summary,
I love humor. I love knowledge. I love learning. I love challenges. I love helping people. And I love the DB community. I am here to gain understanding. I am here to be helped. I am here to offer help. I am here for understanding. I am here to become a better self. Perhaps I did not articulate myself well earlier - If you all see me defending myself heavily and/or appearing resistant to a concept you have introduced - please ask me "Hey, CT118 how did you understand that? I understood it as... or I asked you about blank the other day, what is your answer" Chances are simply I missed it or misunderstood.