MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[ROE]

Well maybe I messed up?

I have had all of the disrespect I can handle and I decided that I should agree with W for a change. She threw out her D card on me when I was hurt and upset. But this time I told her that I agreed with her about the need to D. It was not a false threat on my part. I've been struggling with this now for a while. I've known for a while that not only is D unavoidable from my side because we live in a no fault state but because I think there's been so much damage inflicted in W's wake that I'm just not sure how to move forward anymore. Would I still reconcile? I'm not sure. I won't based on her actions. Not that she's concidering it but she shows no inclination to want to change or R. So, nothing has improved just more damage has been inflicted by W. Maybe I have reached detachment? I'm not sure? But I just don't want to continue any longer. I barely have the energy to survive the D process.

I've reached a milestone today. Who knows maybe this the 1st step toward healing.?

ROE

[ForGump]

ROE-- how old are your kids (or at least their approximate age range)? How do you think they'll handle a D?

[ROE]

Gump, kids range in age from 11-17 (6-12 grades). D is going to be tough on them. It's for me a very deep and painful subject. W has been adamant for all of 2016 about wanting a D. Including garnering their support. I don't think she had their full support but she's threatened it many times including in front of them. My oldest approached me over 12 months ago about her concern and embarrassment of W's behavior with OM in front of her and her friends especially when I wasn't around (keep in mind OM was my BF and neighbor). OM was around a lot and apparently in my absence their friendship pushed the limits to the point my kids took notice. Mostly my 2 oldest. Other neighbors and friends also spoke up to me about the same time of the strange relationship and interactions. Now keep in mind these are our kids as well as friends from her side so by the time they had the courage to speak to me the actions had most likely already been noticed much earlier and deemed serious enough to approach me about them.

Long story short, yes the children are the biggest collateral damage and I am willing to live as is for them. But W continues to inflict damage toward me as well as continues to disrespect our M, blatantly. So, I have to make a decision or show our children that as a spouse you have to make difficult decisions in the face of a difficult situation. Stand and fight for your M or take the easy way out and take flight. I choose the road less travelled. Stand for the M and understand that there is a point when you must let your WS go to save the relationship. What do I teach our children by running away so easily and just giving up so quickly? Nothing. There are no lessons in this. Do I become a doormat and show our children it is ok to be walked on and take someone else's abuse as though it's deserving of me? No. I have stood solid for over a year maybe closer to 2 if I want to split hairs. I have swallowed my pride and lost respect and dignity over standing. I don't think it's wrong to stand. Quite the contrary, I think one must stand for what is right and a M is worth standing for as long as one can endure. Maybe without children I might choose to stand longer. But I have eyes watching both W and myself. It is not right that our children think it is ok to disrespect their spouse nor is it right that they think it is ok to take on such abuse and disrespect from their spouse. It's truly a double edged sword and quite a difficult balancing act. So where do we as LBS's draw the line for the sake of our children's development and future? We must define this ourselves and lead them by example.

This is uncharted territory for me. I do not know what the next move will be. But with prayer and help from those who have taken similar journeys and my faith I choose to move forward in way that honors God, family and self. I'm not trying to be self righteous or holier than thou. I'm just trying to do what is right. Then hopefully I have made the right choices that will influence my children in the best way for their lives and that I have hopefully at the same time honored my M and vows in a way that will draw my W and their mother back into our lives.

I really don't know what I'm doing or what comes next. I'm barely smart enough to realize that I need help and guidance. That's why I'm here.

Stepping down from my soap box now.

ROE

[ROE]

Gump, I mean no disrespect. I have followed your posts and think highly of you. It's been a tough day for me. Today I came to the conclusion that I no longer want to be married to my W. This was a very difficult realization and I'm still processing what has happened today. I have come to terms with this and it's been both an exhaustive experience and uplifting at the same time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I apologize if I offended you or anyone else. Not the intention. Just releasing tension. Sorry.

ROE

[Surfer]

Roe. Posted a reply comment for you on my thread.

Hang in there!

Surfer.

[ForGump]

ROE--

I read nothing in your post that felt disrespectful to me or to anyone. And for that matter, who cares, man. You are in some wretched, painful situation, and, in my book, it's all right by me if you hold harsh thoughts towards whoever.

It's a messed up world we live in, and you're doing everything within your power to do right. That's all you can do, that's all you can do....

My heart breaks for your kids, even though I don't know them. I too think a lot about what my kids are perceiving in my particular situation, and what kind of a person I want them to think I am, what a good father and a husband does.

I no longer have the arrogance to say I would do XYZ if I were in your shoes, because if I were in your shoes, I'd be overwhelmed by all the feelings and thoughts that you have. Standing in my own shoes, though, I think getting a D from your W seems good. The kids know that you stood your ground and held out hope for a while, but the kids also know that you can't just stand around like a punching bag, a doormat.

[RosaLinda]

Oh Roe. My heart is breaking for you and your children. How awful that your wife has threatened divorce in front of them, and has tried to sway them to her side. And embarassed the older ones with her antics with OM. Kids feel that humiliation so deeply.

To me, that's immature and selfish, not how a good Mom should act. I so admire your determination to show your kids what it means to live honorably, even when going through the hell you're living in right now. It will mean a lot to them to know that, like Job, you did all you could to save your relationship and honor your marriage vows.

But also, by your good example in dealing with their mother, that people should treat each with courtesy and respect, and that no one should permit someone to abuse them. I think it's an especially important lesson for your daughters.

You're right. This is a difficult balancing act. Maybe, when your wife starts spewing her nastiness, you could try quietly saying something like Wife, I will not allow you to talk to me like that. And walk away. But don't bad mouth her or complain about her, and just reassure your kids that you both love them, and that they are not at all to blame for the problems their mom and you are going through.

My poor youngest son had already graduated from high school when he started witnessing my ex bringing women to our home, openly skyping with his OW in front of him, and flying to Moscow to visit them, and still, at the age of 28, blamed himself for our divorce

How sad to come to the realization that you no longer want to be married to your wife. Maybe you are really detaching (this waxes and wanes) and are moving forward. Not necessarily moving on, just letting go, moving forward and allowing your wife to go through what ever process she is experiencing with no interference from you. What did she say when you agreed with her about getting divorced?

Sorry for rambling, I'm sort of tired and a bit incoherent. Also am trying to write this on my phone so please forgive any grammar or spelling check weirdness.

[RosaLinda]

PS I value your friendship too. Although I don't really have any advice, I still remember the brutal pain of betrayal, and am glad to offer an empathetic ear as you navigate this nightmare.

I see you starting to make friends and post to others. That is so great. I met some of my closest friends, whom I truly love, on this forum.

[Surfer]

Lovely words Rosalinda. You too have clearly had a terrible time.

Well done for being such a role model to others. Your children will be proud of this.

Surfer.

[ROE]

Hi Linda, I came to the realization that I do not want to be married anymore to this W. I'm willing to either walk or work. It's really up to W. I will continue to stand so long as there are signs of hope or remorse. Otherwise no. I'm ready to move on. I'm still not going to be the one to file. Filing would negate my stance that I did everything possible to salvage our MR. The only way that will change is with the continued abuse and damage W is causing and all the reason to set the example for our kids. I hope they are never faced with these issues from their spouses nor they cause the damage themselves. Each day is a new day.

W was again spending her Griday evening w/OM and her click of new friends. I decided to spend the evening away from home. I watched my D17 out of town HS soccer game then on the way home stopped at the pub for a burger and craft beer (I love this new craft beer craze ). Crazy thing is. I didn't stay out late and when I arrived home W was already home and had gone to bed. Not what I expected at all. Hmmm,, not sure what to make of that.

Her response to my agreeing with her about D,,, it was more of a knee jerk response, defiant and intended to inflict hurt. Can't remember the exact words since really didn't care but it was snarky and vindictive. I did not react I just stayed true to what I said and said nothing more. Since then, she's tested me a couple of times by goading me into a fight or into saying something provocative. I've not fallen into the trap. maintained expressionless but confident silence. I also started doing some homework to get the process rolling. I think she knows I'm ready and willing to D and move on. I'm not making an ultimatum but giving her a boundary for how she threatens me and also letting her know that I'm finished with living in the shadow of the OM and their behaviors. The A is their problem, not mine.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Detaching and feeling better.

ROE