Phase 2

[Pax_luv]

Hi Sotto,
My plan is to just be still for a little while longer. My thoughts about seriously dating were fleeting. Just wanted to try something and the universe put me in check

I think I'm feeling restless because those feelings that I had connecting me to h are gone. I seriously don't think I want to be with him ever again. I don't think he's the man I'm supposed to be with. I've gotten to the point where I am ok with the idea of moving on and allowing another man in. Not as a replacement or quick fix, but because that's what I want out of life. I've never ever been the girl to jump from r to r, but yeah.... I think I'm ready to see what's out there.

The last two months or so, I've really evaluated things and like MWD suggests doing.... I am fairly confident that I've left no stone unturned here. MLC is a different beast, I know that, but I still have to look at everything over the last 11 years and remember that being with him was no piece of cake at all. I loved him so I had no issues trying to make it work (or at least tried to), but in the absence of love, I now just remember all the angst I had in our R. The reason I say the above with less than 100% confidence, is because we've never tried to fix this. I think had we even attempted to fix this (other than the shoddy therapist a few times) I would know for sure that I've done all I could and I don't believe that opportunity is going to come my way anytime soon... At this juncture I'm not feeling interested.

Am I dying to get into a new relationship? Yes and No. I haven't felt love in over 2 years. I'm a caring and compassionate person (wayyyy moreso since I've been DBing) and despite the hel! I've walked through, I still have a lot of love to give another person In a romantic partnership. Also, I am fairly certain I could do so without holding onto issues from my past relationship. Well, I do have a few trust issues but trust is something that's built over time, right?

I want a family and I don't want to force it. Yet, on the same token, time is of the essence now as I continue to get older. My eggs are already geriatric! Really crappy situation to be in. Of course, I don't want to be in an r with the sole purpose of having a family. I want a life partner and we together will make the decision to bring a child hopefully two into this world.

So, with that, I also completely agree with you Sotto- I would not want to date a "married" man either. In fact it would be a complete turn off. I know I'm being hypocritical here. The fact that I'm still married is an issue as well so I have no doubt that men would feel the same way about me. I've also had to dig deep and question if I am ready to test the waters or if I'm trying to fill a void. i think its a little of both... Regardless, i know I'm ready to start moving forward.

Been thinking of giving h a letter outlining some things that I want to say and then asking him to give me the divorce. I'm ready to move forward on this but as mentioned in the beginning of my post, I'm going to sit a little bit longer whilst still thinking of my plan. I can't believe I got to this place! But I'm here!

Sorry for the ramblings, these are my thoughts that have kept me awake in the middle of the night for the last two weeks. It's 4:30am and i might be a lil loopy!