Not a great night, W has been up all night crying, being sick, saying she can't understand how she could be so selfish and stupid to have done what she has done, saying she is nothing nothing more than a common whore and doesn't deserve me or the kids!
She seems in a meltdown of shame and self hate! Not sure how to handle it at all, I've tried to be supportive.
Blue, while this sounds like it might be tough to see and hear on a daily basis, it sounds like an amazing step. If you've followed my threads at all, you'll know that my usual followers keep telling me that "I can't believe what I did to you" is something I'll probably never hear even if we do reconcile. You have heard that! Your W is having to reconcile with herself the things she's done against her own value system. The hurt and pain she's dealt to those who love her the most.
It's hard because, still, YOU were the wronged one but you must be there to console. Hearing you tell her she is worth it will help, but much like a sense of happiness she's going to have to heal her heart largely herself. You can contribute to that certainly, and it sounds like you're doing a good job.
Just keep in mind that this is very positive for your future. It's hard, certainly, but keep it up because you're doing well!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I believe there are psychologal issues here that require professional guidance. Your W's physical transformation, from being the overweight girl all her life.....into a head-turner, is not something every woman is emotionally prepared to handle.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I think that hit the nail on the head, it's a large part of what's happened. I looking into it!
Had another awful night with the W Spending at least 2 hours rocking backwards and forwards crying, being sick again, saying she deserves to go to hell, it was heart breaking to watch. She almost seem on the verge of a break down!
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!
I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better
I hear you Blueboy. I'm in the same boat and it F'ing [censored]! One thing I've realized (because Sandi pointed it out to me) is that although I had forgiven my W for the A, I have NOT forgiven her for the betrayal. And that is going to be a tough one for me because I'm angry about it. I'm pissed as hell about they betrayal and the deceit. How could she do this to us after nearly 20 yrs of M? I'm sick of the the pain. I'm sick of being nauseated. I'm sick of the weight of all of this constantly bearing down on me. I want to just run away from it all as fast as I can. For now, I'm still staying. I love my W and I want our M to recover from this. I just don't know that I can ever look at her without feeling the pain of what she did.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!
I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better
I hear you Blueboy. I'm in the same boat and it F'ing [censored]! One thing I've realized (because Sandi pointed it out to me) is that although I had forgiven my W for the A, I have NOT forgiven her for the betrayal. And that is going to be a tough one for me because I'm angry about it. I'm pissed as hell about they betrayal and the deceit. How could she do this to us after nearly 20 yrs of M? I'm sick of the the pain. I'm sick of being nauseated. I'm sick of the weight of all of this constantly bearing down on me. I want to just run away from it all as fast as I can. For now, I'm still staying. I love my W and I want our M to recover from this. I just don't know that I can ever look at her without feeling the pain of what she did.
blueboy, LiM,
I understand that you feel that the betrayal from you W's still hurts. Try to think of things from a different perspective. You will never have the same M as before, that is in the past. Look at it from a POV that you just met your W again and rebuild the friendship. I get that most everyone on the board is following the 37 rules and is practicing tough love which I fully agree. The thing is, our W's also fell in love with us because we were also kind, caring and compassionate. Think of it like you are on your first, second, third dates with them. Did you know them well back when you first met, no, but you took a chance and gave them the benefit of the doubt to build an R with them.
Do not let your fear of this POSSIBLY happening again get in the way of rebuilding the friendship. All the DB coaches I have spoken to have said you cannot have an R/emotional connection again until you are friends with your S.
Treat it like a business, you go into it with a partner and you are all business (no emotional connection), eventually as time goes on the business partner R turns into a friendship, then hopefully someday over a long period of time that business and friendship with turn into a full blown R again.
Appreciate that your S's still live under the same roof as you and that there is opportunity for them to see the changes you are making and becoming the best H's an S could have whether it is with them or not. Life is too short to overanalyze every action someone takes and it is up to you to decide how you would like to respond to those actions.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I agree with everything you said, it help the have a sounding board and to talk to people who are in a similar position. Everyday is a effort to keep moving forward
Sending you my prayers!
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
