Just had a random check in from MIL. She is very close to our S and lives about 1.5 hour drive away. She watches S about once a week or so. Often W brings S over so she can do her homework. I took a chance and asked MIL if W seemed to act any differently lately. MIL said OMG and opened up with a deluge about how much W has changed recently. Says W constantly complains about how miserable she is but always portrays herself as the victim. MIL said that she is beside herself about W's decision to sepearate as she is a big champion of M and feels keeping a M together is best for children and couples. M&FIL have been married for over 36 years and have had difficulties and gone to MC at various times over the years.
MIL said that W and W's father are no longer on speaking terms. When they are in the house together they don't even acknowledge each other's presence. He is apparently furious with her for walking away from the marriage. MIL says that she has been freely admonishing W for the mistake she is making and telling her to try to reconcile but has lately held her tongue because W has threatened to withold visits with S. I told MIL that such talk just makes W dig her heels in more and asked her to just validate W's feelings as much as she could and tell her that she loved her. She agreed. W and her mother used to talk everyday on the phone and MIL says now she only gets short txt messages from her.
MIL said that it felt like W had reverted to her teenage years when she was very rebellious and W and her father had very little relationship. The two of them did not speak for many years from late high school to just around when she graduated college. The tow of them made up and have had a good relationship the entire time I've known her until now. It's really sad and I empathize for all of them as I know everyone is hurting.
Apparently FIL has some emotional issues. He is very withholding of his feelings and bottles up, then explodes with anger. I don't think he was abusive to W but had violent outbursts at times. This makes me reflect on my own actions in the past as I've tended to avoid conflict even when I was angry. W very often asks if I'm angry or tells me I'm angry even if I'm actually not, just being firm or straightforward. It seems like something she is very sensitive to and always on the lookout for.
It makes me reflect on my interactions with W. I really need to be as calm and even with her as possible and really try to let go of anger as much as possible. I really don't feel that at the stage we are at right now it's productive to share feelings, but maybe if I'm actually angry about something, I need to be forthright and address it directly and say so--in a calm way.
The insight from MIL was helpful. She was very apologetic and kept saying she couldn't believe she raised a daughter like this! I told her not to think like that and that W was making her own choices. I thanked her for all the love and support she and FIL have shown to me over the years. That was the hardest thing, as I really do love the in-laws. That's not something that you always hear. I was tearing up as I said good bye to her and am now as I think that my relationship with them will change. I am happy that S will always have them as grandparents, tho.
In the end, the other sad realization is that I know they aren't my allies in this and that I can't recruit them to help. I asked MIL not to tell W about our convo, which felt like a weird familial betrayal to ask of her, so I won't chat with her again about the W. I also know that if things get worse with W or if we have to go through a D, they will have to (and should) take her side.
