Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[RSG]

So, being able to put a little more time into this....

Generally speaking, both spouses have to work in order for paths to re-cross. One of the issues is, we usually begin changes sooner and put more into them. For various reasons. The biggest being, if the wife doesn't believe she needs to change then there's no incentive for introspection. She will believe that, while she may not be making the right decisions on her own, she wasn't the one who ruined the marriage. And that, once D is final, she'll finally have the "space" and time to be happy again.

The bigger question albac poses is, why do we do this? I believe the initial motivation is the same for us all. We want our M back. But, as things go on....our reasonings branch out. Some days, it's for children. Sometimes it's for the M. Sometimes it's for self. Sometimes it's just to show that we are survivors, and that we don't NEED the W/M. I think this is natural. Different situations lead us to find different reasons to stay on the path.

If we get to our best, we realize that the most important thing is to work to not only be the man we were when our W fell in love. But to be even better than that, and to be excited and confident (but not complacent!) in who we are and what we have become. And to realize that, if our W don't want that amazing all around man, then we'll not only be ok but we can eventually find someone who does.

I've said before, the worst day of my life was when my W sabotaged me at the park with my S and said "I can't do this anymore, we're separated" and literally ran away from home. My S inspired me to pick myself up off the deck, to figure out the best way to fight for my M and our family. Looking at it objectively, it felt like a stab in the back but the God's honest truth is that if she DIDN'T leave we would be likely be divorced right now. The more I read from people living an in-home Separation, living apart seems like the only way to come back together.

I find it so much easier to work on myself without her here. And, I suppose I'm lucky in that my W is using this time to actively work on herself as well. I never thought she'd admit she needed to work on herself enough to go to Counseling. But she is. She's reading a book on how to create happiness within herself. And I've seen some changes in her speech/behavior. I can feel the changes in me, and I think they come out effectively. I know sometimes I use situations as a chance to practice some of the things I've been learning, like validation and listening.

I feel like I'm a better man already. I'm for damn sure no longer a doormat. And everyday is a challenge to be a better Daddy than I was the day before. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm confident I'm on the right path. I think if the W and I continue down this path, reconciliation IS possible. But that's the rub, you can't lose focus....you've got to keep the focus on you and your child and let your W continue on her journey.

Why do I do this? Because I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great one. I want to be the kind of Daddy people use as an example. I want to find that happiness within myself. Because I love my S unconditionally, and I want him to know Daddy stood for his family. And, yes, because I love my W.

Long post, but I think everyone can get something from it. This journey isn't easy for us. It's not fun. IT IS WORK. But nothing worth working for is easy.