Don't know what to do

[Zues126]

BD can create this weird paradox of feelings. I don't miss XW or have feelings for her because I have let her go and have recognized the person she is based on the choices and actions she took. However I do regret that she wasn't the person I thought she would be. So while our marriage was very difficult, had she remained in the marriage I would have been glad. But since she chose not to I'm at peace letting her go.

I do miss being married, being a husband, having someone that motivated me to be my best, someone I could love and care for, etc. I do miss the life we had together. I'm doing very well for myself, but of course if the option was to go back in time and have her remain faithful to our marriage...well, I was going to say I would take it, but already I am a different person and I'm not sure if I could accept the loss of what I've done in the last few years to myself. But I would've taken it at the time.

See how confusing this all is?

One thing is clear though. While it's perfectly normal for you to have feelings for him, be attracted to him, miss him, regret your loss, etc...you can't pursue him or express those feelings or waiver on your boundaries anymore. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior. And in the long term by controlling your behavior you WILL control your feelings. If you religiously keep emotional distance between you and XH you will get there, because little by little you will realize your feelings are only for a fantasy and that you don't even know who he is anymore. That's what happened for me, although it took me a while. It can happen for you, but those timelines get disturbed every time you emotionally connect. That is why my policy with XW has been to be as emotionally distant as possible (well, the biggest reason was to protect myself, but that's a very closely related purpose anyway).

I admire your honesty in not needing to show off how far you've come when you still have struggles. Now have a great holiday weekend, grieve and miss him a little, but then let it go, don't do anything to connect with him, and enjoy your plans!