Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

And I'll be looking for it, SH.

Painter, you hit the nail on the head. The people that can hurt us the most, bar none, are those that we allow to get close to us. Speaking for myself, I've never let anyone as close as I let WH, and he was that close for 2 1/2 decades. I trusted him completely, therefore he was the only person that could possibly hurt me this deeply and also shake my very understanding of my own self. That's why I have had to reach out so much of others to help me sort through the remains.

Sometimes I wonder how my life became this surreal. Whenever anyone asks me some question about WH, they are pretty much always shocked by my answers. I am, too. It all makes me feel very powerless in my own life, that there has been so much change that was entirely outside of my control. It seems that WH felt he was powerless, and did everything he could to take back as much control as possible.

I am definitely not anywhere near anger again these days. Mostly, I'm just in the mode of sad acceptance, intermingled with a feeling that I just have to keep walking this path or I will never get off it. I long to be at the end of it, where I don't have to think about some aspect of it every day. If it weren't for the legal stuff, I can often simply forget about my whole M, beyond answering questions here and there. I like the spaces without WH.

Today I cut a small dog's toenails for the brother of a friend of mine, and I was reminded more and more how much I enjoy time with animals. This process has given that much back to me, at least. I so enjoy my farm cats and my flock of chickens. Today, for the very first time in a lot of years, I was actually thinking it might be nice to have a dog again. I haven't had one in quite a few years because I knew that I couldn't give a dog the time it needed and deserved, but I've been enjoying other peoples' dogs vicariously for years, and this year in particular.

I need to be careful. If I let myself, I might have a whole lot of animal responsibilities very quickly. As it is, I've doubled my flock this year, added a disabled toad to the menagerie, and I plan on adding bees next year. I don't want to get too crazy, especially because in the near future I am going to have to go back to work, and will have much less time for these pets.

Tonight I am off to an outdoor showing of the last Star Wars movie with L-friend. I think it will be a lot of fun. I spent a lot of my day so far with my parents, which is always a good thing, as well as emails to lawyers, which is less so...

Ah well. Walking, walking, walking this path is what I must do.