Hi, This is my first post here and I am currently halfway through the SSM book. At last I feel some comfort in discovering my situation is not unique but it's been a painful journey to get this far. I'll keep things brief at first: I'm male, 39 and we've been together for 16 years and we're supposed to be getting married later this year. We have a wonderful companionship and we kiss and cuddle everyday. However, she has never desired sex and pushes me away as soon as I cross a certain line. We did used to have sex on occasion but it got less and less and now it's less than once per year when there's a spark of interest from her for about 3 minutes! She says she's sorry she doesn't have any interest and won't hardly talk about it and says my higher desire is my problem. I love her very much but this pain and the inability to talk about it is really tough. I'm at my wits end to understand what's going on. How can I pursuade her to read the book and then get some help?
Alex, I hope you're sitting down. If you have lurked here for any amount of time, then surely you know the pain and sorrow that await you if you marry without resolving this issue. Unless, that is, you can accept and live with a marriage without sexual intimacy.
Hi Tim, But what a difficult choice! The love and friendship is brilliant but the sex is crap. I can't live a life of celibacy, neither do I want to hide in the bathroom, pay for sex nor have affairs. My heart is with her. I really have to get this sorted out before I get married.
Maybe you two should seek counseling, and fast. Don't get married till you have this problem resolved. Its a problem for "both" of you. It should be addressed by "both" of you. Does she know how important to the relationship this is to you? The book has good advice. Good luck!
Alex: I'm going to give it to you straight: You will never be truly happy with this woman unless you are willing to be celibate. She will not change.
I married my intellectual match. We love each other and really enjoy discussions, reading, etc. We're both lawyers and have a lot in common.
Except for sex. It was fine at first, dwindled before we got married, and is almost non-existent now. I had sex twice last year. Nothing in 2004. Me bringing it up causes no end of turmoil. But I continue to bring it up. I shared the book with her, and she went ballistic. She's read very little of it, and, as I predicted, has read the part about HD partners in order to show me how I'm doing everything wrong.
It's an uphill battle. My advice is to try to keep her as a friend, and get a new woman who your intellectually, spiritually, and physically in sync with.
Good luck
Hairdog, who, predictably, had a fight with his wife this evening...after all, it's the beginning of the weekend and she needs some reason to reject me, right?
Alex, listen to hairdog. I just re-read your post and realized you've been together for 16 years! That is already long enough to know the truth - she will not change. You may think that she is "the only one for you". That is a dangerous myth, and it is just not true. For your own sake at least, call off the wedding now. Take a year (or two) off from each other and see other people. I bet you find someone you can be even happier with. Good luck...
Hi Alex - I'm so sorry, but I agree with Tim. If you've been together this long and she's unwilling to change (and blaming you) it's only going to get worse if you get married. If sex is important to you, then you are opening up the door to a lot of heartache in your future - heartache that's going to get worse, not better, than it is now. My husband was not very sexual while we were dating, and promised it would get better when we married, but it's only gotten worse.
Of course, if you feel you can live without sex (unlikely, since you are posting here after all) then go ahead and marry her. But don't expect things to change...EVER. Sorry.
Afraid I have to agree with the masses here. If she is not willing to work with you on this and its not important to her, then it will not change. Good Luck
Just when you thought nobody else would chime in, the retired poster is poking in here.
Alex, I'm not sure how to explain the dynamics of this but when our sex life dwindled to nothing (immediately after marriage), I was able to rationalize the fact that my wife was my soulmate therefore I should just live with it and be happy that everything else was so good. I assumed that sex represents about 10% of a marriage therefore living with 90% of everything "right" is good....right? The angst and frustration quietly builds up over time until somethings pulls the blindfold off and there you are...completely aware that your situation sucks and that sex means a lot more than that. When looking at a relationship for "friendship", "common interests", "good conversation and communication", you cannot put sex into that mix. I initially said 10% but would have recently said 50%. I don't event like to look at sex as "component" of a relationship but rather as something that validates and enhances the other meaningful components that I just mentioned.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with all the other folks here. Don't get married until you work through more of this. I know it sounds insane to gamble with a seemingly perfect relationship. The problem is that this tiny "freckle" on it is actually a melanoma...you can be living and feeling good now, but the longer you wait, the more drastic the treatment will be.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I have been in a SSM for 14 years of the 18 years I have known the wife. Do not ever consider marriage to a woman that does not want sex. It only gets WORSE after marriage. Get help. But honestly, the chances that she will become sexual are extremely slim. Hardly anyone cures a a women that has no sex drive.
