Confused on What to Do

[Brubeck]

I second cat04's warning about generalizing about child custody situations. I've talked to many friends who've shared with me many divorce sitches where everything DIDN'T work out for the W.

Eagle -

I'm going a little off topic here, but with regards to keeping our mouths shut when we don't want to around our MLC W, I want to share something I'm learning.

It sounds like you are having the same problem I am with keeping it all in. You blew up on her and now you've got to deal with her covering her tracks as well as her doing what Mach1 said about altering her plan to convince herself (and you) that you are the problem. BTW - great post Mach1, I needed to hear that too.

What I'm referring to is something I can only think of as "emotional management". It's sort of learning how to recognize your feelings as they arrive and not letting them overtake you, because you and I are in a crazy situation that we're still adjusting to because it's only been a few months (7 months for me). I am not used to processing these emotions in such heavy doses (anger, sadness, fear, betrayal, vulnerability) and perhaps you are neither.

This may also be a problem if you are someone who acts on emotions right away. You may act on them because you live by your emotions and you are the fiery go-with-it type, or you may act on your emotions right away to change the situation so you can get rid of some emotion that you don't want.

I would say first to process the emotion moment by moment. I know how it is, I've gotten overwhelmed myself and I start pacing the house, trying to figure out a solution or even a temporary remedy when in fact I'm not going to solve anything because I'm too busy thinking about how freaked out I am by whatever is going on at the moment. I feel lucky in those moments that I've had friends to call.

I learned a thing or two from Elliott Hulse. He's spoken here & there about dealing with emotions and learning to manage them and NOT suppress them. Someone else on DB recommended Gabrielle Bernstein. This will help you learn how to cultivate a PMA. At first, I couldn't keep a PMA at all, I was too angry or sad. I still have times where I can't do it, but I'm getting better at it.

As for the recent conversation with you W - yeah, she's in denial about the A. She's got to convince you and herself that nothing is going on.

Don't answer her questions directly. As the advice goes from the vets, be positive & vague. Don't let her think you're going to wait around forever. Do not give the impression of the loyal puppy, it will prolong everything for her. She's focused on keeping the fantasy life going.

If you wanted to make the conversation surreal, you could always pull a Ron Swanson! Answer every question with another question.