First of all, thanks to everybody who has responded with insight and feedback. These responses are like gold for me!
So, we ended up having the "talk" last night. Our predictions on the board here were mostly on the mark.
First I have to confess that I did lose my cool for the first time in awhile. I've been doing pretty well for a long stretch so I was disappointed in myself, but I suppose we can't always bat 1000. Initially she had sent me a semi-apologetic but vague txt a few days ago, then another where she said we should talk. The next day in person she said she had the night off the next evening and that we should have a talk. I hadn't responded to the earlier texts but at this point I simply said "ok, sure." So last night I am watching our S while she goes to her yoga class and then she sends a message that she's coming home for a bit and then going to for the night.
Unfortunately for me, this really just struck a nerve and perhaps I was taking the bait here. I didn't respond to her txt but when she got home I reminder her that she had asked to have a convo tonight but now was suddenly making other plans. I asked if she actually had something to say to me, or if this was just a way to build up dramatic suspense. This was unnecessary for me to add of course and it was testy. She was snippy back and said I was in a bad mood, etc. We cooled off quickly though and agreed to have a chat after S when to bed.
Basically, the gist of the convo was that:
--she started off complaining about two recent occasions when I was out of the house and she was unclear on when I was coming or going. These were both days that she's off of work and some of the only times I'm not watching our S. I validated her frustration and offered that we should both be better at coordinating our schedules.
--she said that she felt that there was too much tension in the house and that I seemed angry at her, and that things didn't feel very amicable. I think that this is in response to me going darker/dim in the past couple of weeks. I somewhat validated, but said that I was really just focusing on my life and trying to give her the space she's said she's needed.
--Finally, the heart of the conversation: She said she was offered some shifts as a server at a restaurant in the next city over (an hour away) and that she was going to move in with her (female) friend there to live and work. She had some vague ideas of how it would all work, and I responded that that was fine, but that our S needed to stay primarily in our/his home and that she could figure out a couple of days in the week to have him.
She said that she was doing this to make more money (she would supposedly live for free in her friend's house) and earn more, but that it would be better and easier for me. I told her that I appreciated her considering my feelings, but that she needed to do this because she wanted to and that my feelings were my own to responsibility.
In the end I told her that it sounded like moving out was what she wanted to do and that it sounded like she had a plan. I told her that it was up to her to figure out the logistics of moving out and her schedule and that she would needed to find a local daycare option for our S while I'm working. I told her that she was responsible for looking into that. Basically my whole response to the "moving out" BD was, "ok, that sounds like what you want to do" in a calm, friendly way.
--After all that she sort of momentarily backpedaled saying that perhaps this might not work out and we might have to live together again in the future or something. I don't really remember my response, but it was probably like, "well, we'll have to see what happens."
--Lastly she said again that she apologized for the night of spewing at me the week before, when she was demanding permission to start dating and saying all sorts of hurtful things to me. She said she wished she could take it all back and to forget everything that was said. I didn't ask for clarification on what that meant exactly, but said: "I really appreciate that you're apologizing, it means a lot. I am still processing that whole discussion."
I cut things short and then said, "well, it sounds like you have a plan for what you want to do. Keep me posted on it." and then I walked away. She seemed a little taken aback that the convo was over, but we had come to a good stopping place.
She went out for the rest of the night and I went to bed after chatting with a few friends online.
What I came away with:
--I'm disappointed that WW has taken my distancing as "being mad." I haven't been rude at all to her except being snippy at the onset last night, but need to work on being more of a "friendly neighbor" even though right now she's not a neighbor I'm particularly fond of. Cool and pleasant but not cold.
--I am very sad that she said she will be moving out. It hurts my heart a bit because it feels like one more nail in the marriage's coffin. I am trying to remind myself that it might not actually happen. My W is notorious for big plans that never materialize because she often has trouble planning or thinking through the logistics. We'll see what happens, but I am going to live under the assumption that she'll leave. I'm also reminding myself of how much calmer it will be to have the house to myself, especially when S and I are together.
I don't know how well I did from a DBing point of view. I was snippy at first but quickly started agreeing and validating without agreeing that I wanted her to move out. Also, I have been firm in that she needs to move out if she will be dating other people, so I guess she's taking me up on that one.
Well, I suppose I have to let go of the rope now...
