What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[Coconut]

To this day, I STILL do think that you and W have a chance of successfully reconciling the M. The real problem is you are letting your anger and festering resentment get in the way which trips you up every.single.time.

I realize my anger is a real problem; I have made leaps and bounds in the last week in controlling my reaction to triggers. For example, I saw a comment on a picture of my Son and her, at her FF graduation on FB, and someone commented that our son would be lucky to find a wife like his mother, she is such an inspiration and wonderful person, and of course my W reply with all kinds of appreciation and hearts at the comment. After reading it, I processed the irony, the fact that I thought my W should be disgusted with the thought of my S finding someone like her, and then go about my day. All in all, it affected me for about 1 minute.
I think the real problem is her inability to see happiness in her life worth leaving the fire department for, and I’m not willing to play that game anymore.

I cannot help, but wonder if you are running away from your own emotions by applying to those states. A change of scenery will be the external band-aid while the same issues remain on the inside unresolved. Why? I do not think you attend IC regularly which is probably why you are having those up and down...and sideways emotions.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out my desire to move to the country, it’s not a decision I made lightly. I can say that I feel like I’ve wasted the last 8 years of my life with W, I gave up my desire to move to the country back then when I met her, I gave up the idea of having kids during my 30’s (because she wasn’t able to have more) and now feel that I am too old to have kids of my own, and I don’t want to wait to move and get started with the life I dreamed of 9 years ago before I met her.
I am looking forward to getting into hiking/camping (like weekend trips on the Appalachian trail), I want to get an off road vehicle and get into off-roading, I want to live in a place where everyone isn’t always in a rush and actually takes the time to say hi to people they run into. Moving to the country isn’t new concept to me, It’s something that I’ve wanted for a long time, so I know it’s what I want to do. My struggle has simply been should I go now or should I delay it a bit. But I always come back to I don’t want to wait to live my life, I don’t want to accidently meet someone new down here and be tied down in FL again, I haven’t enjoyed my job for a few years now so I wouldn’t mind getting away from there. Obviously the biggest drawbacks to me going are my son (I’ll address below) and the rest of my family. I have a lot of family here, and we are all very close and get together often. My family will be very hard to leave, but they all support my move, they all know that I’ve wanted to do it for years and believe that I will flourish if I go and follow my dreams.
PS- I go to IC every week or two.

And your son?

To this day, I remain in close contact with my stepmother on a weekly basis even if my parents divorced when I was aged 11. Let me ask you: what kind of relationship will there be with your son if you moved away?
Food for thought.

My son will be 17 in 2 months, he will be leaving for college in a year and a ½, he will obviously be living with his mother and spends every other weekend at his biological fathers house. What kind of relationship will I have with my son even if I lived 10 minutes away. As a 17 year old, he is much more interested in hanging out with his friends than his dad, he’s starting to date girls on the regular, he is not going to be interested in coming to dads house (he considers me dad) for a couple of hours after school and definitely not going to spend the weekend at my house very often (he’s only with his mom every other weekend). If my son was younger, I wouldn’t even consider leaving, but my relationship with him is going to change because I won’t be living with him anymore, I do not believe there will be a whole lot of difference in our relationship based on how far away I live, because I am pretty sure most of our communication will be done by text or phone anyway.
Sure I won’t be able to go to every one of his wrestling matches, and I won’t be able to just pick him up to go out to dinner, but I don’t think our father relationship is going to change because I moved away. And if it does, then it would have anyway when he moves away to college next year.