Cherry. H is filing and leaving. Working on me

[Cherry]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701427&#Post2701427
Link to old thread

So I seem to be getting through these threads quickly.
I'll just outline my brief history for anyone new.


I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new.
Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.

After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.

Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce.
He moved into the spare room again and begins researching flats. He also consults an L. A few days ago, he spoke with me about this and his plans to file. He knows I don't want this, but knows there's nothing I can do about that. I listened and validated to him. He later thanked me for hearing him out and not flying off the handle with him.

Haven't really seen him since then. He hasn't come home from work which isn't unusual anymore, he comes and goes as he pleases. And never tells anyone his plans anymore.

I'm fully concentrating on me and my children. He is so wild and all over the board you cannot rely upon him for anything. I've consulted my own L so I know where I stand, and I've budgeted and budgeted to the £ so I know where I stand and how I will move forward. There is no way I want this, I don't. I want my family, I would love to be a family when the baby comes home. But I'm starting to realise that is quite possibly not going to happen. So I'm adjusting. I have my support network, and I'm making all kinds of plans and decisions so that if/when he leaves. I will spring them into action.

[Coly23]

Hey Cherry, I know your not doing these things to show him that you will be ok without him but you are doing them out of necessity and basic survival for you and your little ones but maybe your lack of concern for him might be a bit of a wake up call for him....

[Cherry]

Thanks Coly. I feel like he's using it as more of an excuse to validate his behaviour tbh. He frequently tells his mum that he doesn't see me for days and he feels nothing about that, doesn't bother him at all.

[Cherry]

Just had to put something back into his room that s had took out. When I put it back I saw a receipt to a solicitor for the deposit paid on getting the ball rolling on the d. And when did he do this? The same day I had the scan. Also a list of properties he's looking to rent. And where are they? Same town as ow. About a 30/40 min drive for us in good traffic. So much for him wanting to be close.
I feel like writing him a letter/sending him a message letting him know the hurt. But I know that this will amount to nothing. Maybe I should type it out here and release the anger.

So close to chucking all his stuff outside

[Coly23]

((Cherry)). He is such an azz! I believe in karma and he will get his one day when he comes crawling back after OW has kicked him into touch!

Just concentrate on building your nest for you and your little chicks, as we say it's his circus, his monkeys and she probably looks like one too!!

[Cherry]

I know that you're right. But I think he is one of these characters that get themselves into any situation and consequence just skips by him.

I want to hate him. But loving him is painful enough.

I'm trying my best to hide the tears and the upset and to keep going. But I just can't shake this feeling of hurt. I've been through abuse before, and he is by far hurting me the most any person in my life ever has before. I feel like telling him to get the hell out.

He has turned out to be the most unimaginable b@st@rd I've ever come across. And I know I should feel well rid. But I'm currently to full of emotions

[Cherry]

Is anyone else in an in house seperation just completely and utterly ignored? I'm really tiring of being treated like I'm worthless.

He is really getting to me to the point that I really want to tell him that I'm fed up of this disrespect and I want him to leave asap. I don't know wether that would help. But the being dim and leaving him to it for the past few weeks/ months has not seemed to make a damn bit of difference neither.

I know that me telling him this will shoot straight over his head. But he's getting to the stage that he is really angering me with this treatment. I mean I am utterly ignored. There is zero communication, zero contact. He just creeps in and out of the house when he pleases

[AndrewP]

Cherry - I know it's frustrating especially since he's off selfishly doing things that are counter to your own efforts to putting things back together.

I believe you are on good terms with his mother? Any chance you two could get him the heck out of the house early perhaps staying with her until his new apartment is ready? He doesn't deserve to have a Cherry on his Sunday and you could use the space. Since he's planning on leaving anyway you have every right to move the dates around to suit yourself.

A nice dose of "Mom" might be good for him too.

Just my 2 cents.

[Cherry]

His mom lives with us since she became very unwell.

She has given him the many a mom talking to. But he continues to insult her as well as me and our child. But granted, he is quickly back to being nicey nice to her whereas he continues to pretend I do not exist.

[lt0402]

Is anyone else in an in house seperation just completely and utterly ignored? I'm really tiring of being treated like I'm worthless.

He is really getting to me to the point that I really want to tell him that I'm fed up of this disrespect and I want him to leave asap. I don't know wether that would help. But the being dim and leaving him to it for the past few weeks/ months has not seemed to make a damn bit of difference neither.

I know that me telling him this will shoot straight over his head. But he's getting to the stage that he is really angering me with this treatment. I mean I am utterly ignored. There is zero communication, zero contact. He just creeps in and out of the house when he pleases

Cherry, I'm in a similar situation w/ my WW. She completely ignores me and won't talk to me unless I break one of her "rules", then she attempts to pick a fight w/ me. It's very frustrating.

When I was pursuing at the start of this I used to tell her if we could just have conversations, we could fix this (before I knew of OM). W would shoot back that we hadn't had a conversation in 5yrs and she wasn't about to start now. Those really hurt at the time.

I started talking to a DB coach and they offered that I treat her like an out of town guest. Tried that by saying goodnight to her one evening before I went up to bed. She ignored it and didn't respond. next thing I know, I've got her up in our mbr asking me "you know this thing is over and staying in the same house isn't going to fix anything, right?". Still working to figure out how this interaction should go, but if she were an out of town guest right now I'd toss her suitcase into the street and tell her to catch a plane home!

I'm wondering if I consistently treat her like this if it'll get things to level in the house? I don't think it truly solves anything though, more just potentially removes some of the palatable hatred in the home. Probably sets things on a good tone for when you do physically separate and you can truly go dark.

WW started back up w/ her eyerolls yesterday, so i'll need to address that this weekend. It's like dealing w/ a child and I completely get your pain. At least w/ our kids we can put them in time out. I know what you're going through Cherry and it [censored], but i'll be curious to see what comes of him moving out when he does. I'd bet if you can keep things at neutral now, it'll make for a better starting point when going dark. Just my 2 cents.

Hang in there! You have a much more difficult situation to manage than mine and I'm constantly impressed by just how strong and good of a mom you are!