Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

Hello, Sweet Homme. I am very sorry that it's taken me this long to read through your latest posts, though I did pop by a couple days ago to say hello. Maybe you missed me? As you know, my GAL has perhaps taken over my life, and I'm trying to find a better balance. smile

I have taken your advice for the last two days, though, and I have stayed home in my land of healing and peace, my farm that I love so much. It's been so nice to just get some things together here and not spend 2 hours every day driving. I'm commuting for most of my GAL activities! It's one of the downsides to rural life, but I wouldn't trade it. I'll commute gladly if it means I can live here.

I can completely relate to your introvert tendencies, and yet also to your ability and need to interact with others. I used to be so incredibly shy that I struggled to communicate in more than single words for most of the time I was in school. I never once asked a single question in class during my entire educational career, and that was over 21 years, from K through years 8 of college, and a lot of continuing educations since! It was only in my senior year of high school that I started to overcome my inhibitions a bit better. I am really good with other people one on one and I very much enjoy meeting and talking to new people. I can even now enjoy very small groups of people. My discomfort and feeling out-of-sorts grows directly proportional to the number of people present. Parties are a complete fail for me. A dinner get-together with 6 people last weekend was actually quite good (I only knew 3 of them at first), though I also relished my time alone afterward. Part of it is that I have a very quiet voice, and if there is a lot of background noise, I really struggle to be heard, and I just kind of shut down, instead. If someone asks me to talk louder, I just want to shut up, not speak up.

Anyway, I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday, and I thought it felt a lot like me, and I think you can relate as well.

"Introverts Unite!
We're Here, We're Uncomfortable And We Want To Go Home."

Despite my shyness, even as a kid i was always at my most comfortable while meeting total strangers. On the other hand, I was, and still am, always least comfortable talking to someone I know only slightly, so I really struggled in high school because I knew most people, and only slightly. I'm good with clients, however, and very much enjoy interacting with good pet people. I have to work hard to get through the awkward stage to get to friendship, though. It'a s big commitment for me to make a new friend.

I think that we all have a lot of baggage from our childhood experiences that influence us strongly, even as adults. Your history of moving a lot certainly would change the way you invest in and interact with new people. I can see how it would make you feel as if it might not be in your best interest to invest heavily in a casual friendship because you learned that friendships were temporary.

I am very sorry to hear that there has been any lack of respect on these forums. I haven't seen it myself, but I tend to stick to my few regular friends here because I get so easily overwhelmed with the pain that the true newcomers are going through.

I do believe that we should call people on it when their behavior or words are disrespectful, both here and in the outside world, but especially here. This is supposed to be a place of refuge and support. The last thing any new LBS here needs is to feel worse about the choices they are making. We've all been there, and we all know that the harshest critic we all fight is ourselves. We've all made mistakes, and we've all done things that are anti-DB principles. We're all learning and trying to survive, and anyone that feels a need to hurt, or be disrespectful of, other people here is violating the trust in other people that everyone here needs to reestabish.

It is absolutely true, though, that you can't tell people what to do. What may be glaringly obvious to an objective outsider is often invisible to a person who is living through the situation and just not ready to see or hear what is being said. They absolutely have to come to their won conclusions and decide that they need to help themselves.

I have someone close to me that suffers from depression. I can think of so many things that I wish he could do to help himself, but until he is ready to reach out for the help he needs, there really isn't much I can do besides just be there and listen. It's very hard. It's part of the detachment lesson that we are all learning. You can care about someone, and you can wish them all the best, but you can't do the work for them and you can't let them drag you down with them. You have to find a balance.

SH, I am working very hard on myself, and please know that I am not looking to another person to mask my pain or fill the void in my life, and certainly not to save me. I look to myself for all of those things. L-friend and I have an interesting way of interacting, and I can talk to him in a way that I haven't been able to talk to many others, except here on this forum. I am learning a lot from and with him about how to communicate effectively, something that I wasn't able to do with WH.

I'm not looking for happily ever after with this person. I am just letting things unfold without any expectation beyond being kind and supportive of each other. I am constantly monitoring to maintain a healthy, yet caring level of detachment. In fact, he is the person I know who struggles with depression. It is hard to watch, but I am not in any way forming a codependent relationship with him. I read my meditations on codependency daily, just in case, so I can recognize and nip in the bud any burgeoning tendencies I may be showing, and catch him when he shows any towards me. He will need to sink or swim on his own, just as I do, and he gets as many 2x4s as I give you. wink

I am very glad to see you here and that you are getting some of the support you still need. I am still here for you , too, and am very grateful that you continue to be here for me, as well.

((((((((((Super Hero and Sweet Human))))))))))

Phoebe,

Thank you for this thought out response and catching up with me.
The introvert aspect is something that I have been called out on so many times in life that it really felt like a curse.
I could never explain why I was the way I was and conforming was just more painful than it was ever worth.
I am now learning that it is not the curse I have for so long felt it was and it is liberating.
The sad part is my learning is from watching D18 struggle with it.
WAW just wanted to take her to therapy and get her meds.
I refused and said I could work her through it.
I did. I did because I understood what she was feeling and struggling with.
I did not understand why I knew this, but I could see me in her.
The really sad part is it was this past year that d18 was finally coming into her own and feeling confident before the BD.
I think my WAW just never could understand my challenges and I could not explain them to her and when she watched d18 become much the same as me in this aspect she lost it.
She wanted to blame me for "making" her that way. She held it against me. D18 has shared with me the spew that apparently had been going on for a few years about me from her mother.
The straw to break the camels back is when d18 started defending me because she was seeing that my way of things was not due to me being angry nor controlling nor a loser. All things WAW was trying to convince folks of.
WAW saw her baby slipping away from what she wanted her to be.

Anyway, I don't want to go down that road as it hurts, but it is what it is and I accept that now.
And I accept who and what I am. I was being controlled for so many years by her behaviors and expectations of me. I am not saying it was intentional, but she never stopped to try and see what I was, she only demanded that I be what she wanted me to be.
The harder I tried to do it her way, the less I could be me. She convinced me that I was depressed and needed help and medication. Just like she wanted for our d18.

Truth be told, after the shock of the BD wore off and I have worked to get my bearings, I have felt at peace in ways that I had almost forgotten.
So now my focus is on my demons that I have held down for so much of my life.
I accept that I am an introvert. I have learned that there are many more introverts than I realized.
My goal is to adjust some bad habits that I have formed over the years due to my lack of understanding this, and trying to conform only to find it more difficult than it was worth.

It is good to hear some clarification on your sitch and your friends.
I trust that you are being cautious and observing what is needed to keep things in order.

I will say this simply out of concern for you as a friend and someone looking from the outside in and with some understanding of the struggles you are going through and the wild mix of emotions. Some of this I say for myself as well so as to stay out of a sticky relationship myself.

Be very careful in trusting the logical side of your brain as you say trying to watch for codependent behaviors and setting so many stipulations in a new found relationship.
The emotional side of your brain is running wild and desperate for companionship, actions of affection and someone to validate you in the ways you feel vulnerable. You indicated that there has been intimacy but that neither are looking for anything long term. And the final thing you mentioned that raises a flag is the challenge of depression he faces.

Step back a couple of paces and look at that mix and be completely honest what it appears.
I say this without any judgement. But please be careful.
Famous last words are when one says, I don't want anything long term, lets see how it plays out and I won't get attached.
These are words that you can only say for yourself.
What about him?


Anyway, I perceive this to be a touchy subject in this community that few want to give advice on nor touch upon with each other, and I want to tread cautiously.

You are a dear friend now.
You were with me in some dark times and even though we have not met, I feel a special sort of bond as we shared things that very few others know about outside this community.
And I would share this advice with any close friend or family member so I feel inspired to do so for you.
Please be extremely cautious and take time regularly to step back and look at it from a purely factual and logical standpoint removing personal emotions and needs aside.
Once certain lines are crossed in any sort of relationships, the slope is slippery and there is not going back with out some rough spots.

Be well my friend.
Sleep tight and I look to hear from you soon.