Right on target, Painter. There can be a lot of projection that goes on in relationships, and it sounds like your WH was a skilled practitioner. It sounds like when your WH would accuse you when he felt his own powers of control slipping a tiny bit.
At this point I have no idea what to believe about myself, because my thoughts are so muddled by the gaslighting and lying that went on in my MR. It's hard to know what was a real complaint, and what was projection. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing - trying to sort out the difference between real things you can work on to improve yourself, and what was just spewing aimed at deflecting responsibility and avoiding honesty.
I suspect that everyone here has a lot of sorting to do on this front. What was real, what was exaggeration, what was projection, and what was patently bullsh1t? I've done a lot of leaning on outside observers to try to help me work through some of this - therapist, grief counselor, friends, etc., because I am simply not in a position to be very objective right now. On the one hand, I am my own worst critic, yet on the other, I know that I am blind to many aspects of myself. I know that I need help to recognize what is true right now.
Painter, I hope that your realizations about what controlling behavior is and is not brings you some clarity, and I think that you will have ever more clarity as time goes on.
(((((Painter)))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
