Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[ericmsant2]

CT
Sorry for the hijack but before I respond to you I have a few responses to a few others.

J3B,

I have met Eric twice in my life and I can honestly say he is one of the best friends I have the honor of having.

Thanks man! Love ya too. By the way….it’s been a long day in the office, I think it’s a Laguvulin night.

Ginger1,

Eric is a close friend, and a big brother to me.

Chit, now I’m gonna cry.

Wonka,

How's your Latin life? Hot n' spicy?!

(CT, yeah...Eric has a double life as a hot Latin guy in a pink tutu. He just left the asylum)

I wouldn’t say HOT n Spicy..I would say OLD and tired. LOL. On a serious note, life is good. Had several nice vacations (China Lake Maine, Greenville South Carolina, Colorado and next up Otterbanks). Oh, I traded the pink tutu for a lilac one. Lilac is in style now. 

Cat,

The only help I had were two other boneheads

I’ve notice a pattern with the use of the word “bonehead”. Can you describe to me what a “bonehead” is? Hehehehe

Sorry again for the hijack CT,

Ok, I am ready to begin Eric. Very impressed with what others have said of you. I am going to do my best,

So get out the shovel cause you will be digging. As for what the others said, they are my friends, they have seen me through some very tough times. Honestly, I am just regular guy who finally decided to do the hard work and face some my own demons. As for doing your best…that is all you can ever do and really all you should ever expect from yourself. “Your best”. The trick IMO, is to learn how to NOT lie to YOURSELF. Once you get to a place where you can be honest with yourself – thing start to fall into place. You may not always like the answer you give yourself and the answer the questions you probably have, are really inside of YOU.

Make this about YOU, make this process about YOU and regardless of the outcome – You’ll be a winner!

Why did I accept the role of knight? Honestly, I never felt like I did. Looking back, I still do not feel like I did.

Have you ever gotten into trouble when you were a kid? Have your parents ever let you fall and learn from your mistakes? Read your post. What is apparent is that whenever your W falls or gets into some chit, you are called. Her mother even wanted you to fix stuff for her. Right now, is the time for YOU to give her the space to work on her chit, if she can. I suspect that your afraid that you may loose her. That she may find (rather jump) to the next guy. Here is the thing…You and only YOU can change the pattern for YOUR life.

Why did I think some of these behaviors were healthy? I do not recall stating that I did. I can say that while I did not think behavior was healthy, I also did not think it was unhealthy; in other words, I did not think about mental health until I began with an IC in Feb 2016.

A very wise women (named URWorthy) once said something to me that finally clicked…… as people we do what we saw or were taught to do. As you mentioned you did not think it the behavior was unhealthy – in part, because I think you never knew what healthy was. Brother, what you had was NOT healthy. Think about it….. you both cheated on your respective partners with each other. Now that it is being done to YOU, how do you feel? Like chit I assume. Cheating to be with each other (several times) is NOT healthy. Then again, if you are an open relationship – I is. I doubt you guys have an open relationship.

You said it - did not know what healthy was, and you don't know what you don't know.

Yep…and now that YOU know better YOU can do better. Remember this, burn it in your mind so IF the opportunity appears again, that you do not repeat the pattern.

- What does love mean to me? May not be the most pragmatic of answers, but Hesse is my favorite author: “One must find the source within one's own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking -- a detour, an error.”

Look at what Hesse wrote…. “within one’s own self – one must posses it”. Think about that….

You really need to love yourself FIRST before you can love another. Are the actions that YOU have done over your life a reflection of how YOU love YOURSELF? Can you look in the mirror and say with full conviction that YOU LOVE YOURSELF? If not, then 1) you have work to do and 2) how could you love your W. That said, how can YOU love yourself? What do YOU NEED to FEEL loved (sex with your W is not the answer)? FTR, every person is different and honestly, I did not know the answer to these questions UNTIL I was 41 years old. I did not have good role models, no one really taught me. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I now know better so I do better. Doing nothing was EASY. Doing the work is HARD. This chit is not going to come overnight man.

-What does love look like to me? Like the water in a river. Deep and shallow, turbulent and calm, narrow and wide, moving around rocks, moving over sand, transporting objects, flowing and frozen, dynamic and static, able to dry out of existence and able to return.

Okay..honestly, what book did you take this out of? Or did you pull it off the web? Hey it sound great and sexy but is that what love really looks like to you? I have a funny feeling that love looks a little different than the above. For example, one way I see love is when someone is compassionate towards me. Another way is in how they treat me, how they give me the space I need to be me, how they ACCEPT me for me. Another is seeing Mach1 in a pink tutu – now that is love (psst…don’t tell him I emailed you the pictures). LOL on a serious note, take some more time, think of ACTIONS that you would consider love.

- How do I give love? Dmn these are simple questions, but challenging. I am introverted and have type II ADHD, but I am working on overcoming the detrimental pieces of each. The expression of emotion does not come easy for me. I try to respect, to understand, to show compassion, to express, to be silent, to allow, to forgive, to understand. But when I truly love someone, I am able to give of myself entire and so few have ever gotten that from me.

Being an introvert of having ADHD IMO, does not impact how you give love. Once again, think of your responses in the form of ACTIONS. Let’s say you were dating J3B and you loved him, how would you show him. Say you and I are friends, how would you show me that you loved me. Here is a simple example: I was not always the greatest friend, I would not really show my friends how much I loved them. Now, I do things like make sure I call every so often, I will make arrangements to meet for dinner, I make them a priority. So, can you take another crack at answering the question?

- Yes, were both kids when we met and true, we did not know who we were.

Think about this ^^^^^ , so do you think your W is going to figure out who she is and become healthy overnight? I think you know the answer to that question. The bigger question is what are YOU going to do about it? Are you going to sit still and just wait for her to come back OR are you going to lead by example and 1) fix your chit 2) become the best man you can be 3) respect her and her choices while living YOUR life.

- I am not so sure I can give you her dumping me at 19/20 years old as an early sign of much. In hindsight and context of the story, it appears clear. But if women dumped men with explanation on the regular the whole "its not you, its me" thing wouldn't be a thing. She was not the first or the last to do that to me around that age, as is the case with many young people.

You may be right; however, I would like to point one thing out – noticed how you sometime DEFEND her? Why is that? Psst…read the CODEPENDANT NO MORE book. I remember defending my ex. I remember explaining to everyone that it was MY FAULT that she was out polishing some dude knob. The reality: I played a role in the demise of my M as did she. That said, I will not OWN her CHOICES. I may be wrong buddy…but I want you to think about how often you DEFEND her CHOICES – why is that?

- Why did I cheat on others with her? Because I was in love with her, because I was not in love with the others, and the bottom line mostly is because I was not a good person at that time in my life.

So that’s it? You just were not a good person at that time? I think the reason is bigger than that. Just think about it.

- Have I read on co-dependency? I did read some websites, some psych journal articles, but no books. I am interested in the book you offer. However, and with due respect, I will have to wait a few months to buy. I just spent $400.00 on my graduate texts today - that hurt.

Check Youtube, they may have clips of the book. Alternatively, I will purchase it for you as a gift (and I am not kidding). So mods, if there is a way for me to do that, please let me know how i.e. CADET, let me know how.

Because we both have always been in love with each other, but neither of us never really understood or knew how to love in a way which was healthy.

So is unhealthy love, really love? Here is an example: If I came home every day and slapped my wife (we know that is not healthy) is that really love. My other point, is how can you really “love” if you are not sure what it really is. IMO, we base “love” on just how we “feel”. Love is really actions.

Because we both grew up thinking we were incapable of loving others. Because we both could not escape the spectre of our adverse childhood experiences. Because we both have trust issues. Because we both are selfish. Because we both believe at our cores we are good people but have not learned how to stop hurting others. Because we both lacked self control.

First thing first….notice in your post how you use “we”. Look at the context in which you are responding – in a small way you are defending or explaining HOW she feels or felt. This is not about HER right now, it is about YOU. You really do not KNOW HOW SHE FEELS. You may think you do and in some cases you may be correct; however, you really do not KNOW FOR SURE SINCE YOU ARE NOT HER.
Stop making this about HER!

FTR, I did the same towards my ex. I explained how she felt, I explained why she did x or y. honestly, that was a guess. It also showed me a pattern that needed to change. I needed to stop thinking or ASSUMING for my ex and anyone else for the matter. I needed to start OWNING my CHIT.

- I never knew what boundaries were until I came here on 07.05.16, since I have read a whole lot on them.

I am glad you now know about boundaries. Please do not make the same mistake I made for a loooooonnnggg time. I think J3B put it best….

You can use boundaries as a SWORD or SHIELD.

I recommend that you use them as a SHIELD.

Here is an example:
Example 1: Your son is rushed to the hospital. You DO NOT CALL HER since you know she is with OM. Your excuse is that YOUR BOUNDARY was no contact.
Example 2: She is charging up the joint credit cards to the point of maxing them out. Your boundary conversation with her is that if she continues to use the charge cards you will have her name removed from the card. Next day, she goes out and buys a boat on your Amex. You call Amex and have her removed from the account.

Example 1 is a sword, example 2 is a shield.

Takes a long time for me to read a book.

Try Audiobooks. They work pretty good for me.

Batman also had some significant R issues as I recall.

He’s Batman though so it is okay. LOL.

Oh and btw, if you wanted a quick summary of me……
The quick answer is look in the mirror. I was just like you. A bit more detail.

1) In and out of group homes as a kid
2) Dad left 20 bucks on the table when I was born. I actually still have no idea who he really is.
3) Mom married 5 or 6 times (I lost count)
4) My dad is supposedly my aunt (my mom's sister) boyfriend at the time – yet no one really knows for sure. Hey just imagine what those family christmas look like.
5) Lock up – did crimes, shot people
6) Drug addict
7) Control freak
8) Did now know what the hell love was let alone a healthy R.
9) 3 kids
10) Ex “love of my life” that popped up. Thank God I ended it!
11) Fairly successful professionally, which helped me never deal with chit.
12) And yeah...I too wanted my ex to hurry the F up with her MLC, I mean chit she did deal with my issues for a while, least I could do was give her a month or two.

So I’ll close with this….. Hi my name is Eric, I am a former control freak, drug addict, who needed to learn how to be man. Nice to meet ya.

I’ll say it again…..YOU and YOU ALONE DECIDE WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

I hope this helps brother. I’ll check on you tomorrow.

God Bless,
Eric