Stages of grief

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe, I just read up on your thread. I'll comment over there a little later.

I had a lot of thoughts this morning that I wrote down to journal.

I have been told for over a decade that I’m ‘controlling’. And somehow, although I didn’t feel controlling, I bought into it.

I took care of a family with three children and an aging in-law, and was put in charge of the day to day finances and health and legal issues. That requires administration and oversight and planning. I fell into the trap of accepting that I was a ‘control freak’.

Today, I had a thought about how this was a projection and not the truth at all.

It’s not controlling to want to plan life – vacations or finances or schedules or anything else.

It’s not controlling to ask your husband what his weekend plans are, and suggest that you do something together.

It’s not control to ask your husband what he’s thinking or feeling or wanting.

It’s not controlling to not always be in the mood.

Having a different opinion is not being controlling. And it’s not controlling to suggest a different way of doing something.

Keeping your home reasonably organized is not being controlling.

Asking your husband for help - sometimes within a certain timeframe - is not controlling, even if you ask for whatever it is, to be done a certain way.

Asking openly and honestly to have your needs met is not controlling.

Telling your husband that you would love it if he bought you flowers, is not controlling.


What is controlling, is to withdraw, stonewall or rage when your wife wants to communicate or seeks emotional connection.

Lying is extremely controlling, whether it’s making up elaborate stories to avoid being caught cheating, or lying by omission. Lying is a distortion of reality and takes away the other person’s right to make choices for themself. It is the ultimate in control.

It is obviously controlling to not tolerate that your wife has different political views, to where you scream at her that it is ‘your job to educate her’.

It is controlling to put down, mock or judge not only your wife’s, but all your family members’ partners and friends, customers and colleagues.

It is controlling to refuse to make plans or commit to anything. ‘Living day to day’ isn't laidback, it's exercising control over everything so you can never be held accountable.

It’s controlling to need a partner where the attributes you most appreciate is that she is smaller than you physically and intellectually, has no other purpose in life than fill your needs for meals, housekeeping and sex, stills your fear of being alone, agrees with you in everything and does not challenge you, and is financially and socially dependent on you because she has no income, and no family or friends nearby.

And it is very controlling to give your mistress an engagement ring before you have decided to separate from your wife. You have to secure a new person before you can let someone go.