Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

Ok, I am ready to begin Eric. Very impressed with what others have said of you. I am going to do my best, so please if I overlook/miss a question it will not be intentional, so please remind.

- Why did I accept the role of knight? Honestly, I never felt like I did. Looking back, I still do not feel like I did. However, if to others reading my sitch that I did, than all I can say is that I had no idea. I will give it more thought.

- Why did I accept what part? Possible I may inadvertently answer this question in my response to the next...

- Why did I think some of these behaviors were healthy? I do not recall stating that I did. I can say that while I did not think behavior was healthy, I also did not think it was unhealthy; in other words, I did not think about mental health until I began with an IC in Feb 2016. In my opening post I put some things about me. I could do a whole post on my issues. You said it - did not know what healthy was, and you don't know what you don't know.

- What does love mean to me? May not be the most pragmatic of answers, but Hesse is my favorite author: “One must find the source within one's own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking -- a detour, an error.”

-What does love look like to me? Like the water in a river. Deep and shallow, turbulent and calm, narrow and wide, moving around rocks, moving over sand, transporting objects, flowing and frozen, dynamic and static, able to dry out of existence and able to return.

- How do I give love? Dmn these are simple questions, but challenging. I am introverted and have type II ADHD, but I am working on overcoming the detrimental pieces of each. The expression of emotion does not come easy for me. I try to respect, to understand, to show compassion, to express, to be silent, to allow, to forgive, to understand. But when I truly love someone, I am able to give of myself entire and so few have ever gotten that from me. However, I am fallible from the above and I can and have lost sight what I should be giving.

- How do I receive love? Might depend on the person or the place. An example, from my dog it is without doubt, from my son it is with purity, from my W it is with patience, from my mother it is with hesitance. However, I think you would understand if I said these adjectives are continually evolving.

- What does a healthy relationship look like to me? I would say one that is based upon understanding of both parties of themselves as individuals and of each other. My son and I are pretty healthy now.

- Yes, were both kids when we met and true, we did not know who we were.

- I am not so sure I can give you her dumping me at 19/20 years old as an early sign of much. In hindsight and context of the story, it appears clear. But if women dumped men with explanation on the regular the whole "its not you, its me" thing wouldn't be a thing. She was not the first or the last to do that to me around that age, as is the case with many young people.

- Why did I cheat on others with her? Because I was in love with her, because I was not in love with the others, and the bottom line mostly is because I was not a good person at that time in my life.

- Was the attraction too much for me to say no? No. There were a number of times both of us said no to sleeping with each other over the course of that story, had I put in every detail, I would be publishing my first novel right now.

- Was the sex that good? It was always good with her, but I would not say that was the center of our world with each other. Our relationship did not begin based upon sex, but we both always enjoyed having it with each other.

- Have I read on co-dependency? I did read some websites, some psych journal articles, but no books. I am interested in the book you offer. However, and with due respect, I will have to wait a few months to buy. I just spent $400.00 on my graduate texts today - that hurt.

- Why do I think we move through relationships but remain in secret communication with each other? Well, because of our childhoods in short. Because we both have always been in love with each other, but neither of us never really understood or knew how to love in a way which was healthy. Because we both learned that we were able to destroy others without much regard for their feelings. Because we both want to be with each other and want to figure out a way. Because we both grew up thinking we were incapable of loving others and meeting each other tossed a wrench into that idea. Because we both could not escape the spectre of our adverse childhood experiences. Because we both have trust issues. Because we both are selfish. Because we both believe at our cores we are good people but have not learned how to stop hurting others. Because we both lacked self control. Lastly, because until I walked into that IC office in Feb 2016 I had never sought a permanent way to be entirely better as a human being.

- We were both addicted to FTR: you did not pose this as a question, but for clarity...I did not see this in the abbreviations page. I am guessing first time relationship? If yes, than neither of us were each others first relationship or first sexual encounter.

- Could I see how unhealthy it was for her to tell me about a miscarriage 4 years later? Yes, actually that one I did see immediately and recall being quite upset at the initial news. Why she said it, I only know what she told me: which was it scared her, it made her feel like less than a woman, guilty, that I would think she could not have kids, and angry at herself. I do not think that is much different of an explanation from many women who have had them. Plus, were discussing our history when it came up.

- I never knew what boundaries were until I came here on 07.05.16, since I have read a whole lot on them.

- Under the job comments: I do believe job was 100% correct, I had identified that on my own, but it is good to hear others say it.

- Do I agree that I have a pattern? Yes, I have identified it.

- Am I ready to break the pattern? Yes and I have been doing that. I have certainly broken it in myself. My GAL's are solid and permanent. My commitment to remaining drug free is still as strong as the day I stopped - over 6 months w/out narcotics. I continue w/ my IC. I no longer help her or make the offers. I have gone through NC w/ her. I do not try to fix her. I focus mostly on myself and also on my son. I do hope she seeks the same level of help for herself 1. because I want her to feel and be healthy and 2. because I would like my son to have a healthy mother. But, I do accept those 2 things may never happen. I do feel detached. I do still love her. I am able to resist her, which has been tested and proven to myself. I do still feel love for her. I would still have her back, but I know that is far off if ever.

- Do I like to read? Yes, but the ADHD never allowed it. Takes a long time for me to read a book. I am able to now only because of my treatments. As a kid, the only thing I could read was comic books. And yeah dude, I do love the Hll out of some Batman. And why not, a troubled childhood becomes a fighter for justice on his own terms? Batman also had some significant R issues as I recall.

You put a great deal of time into my stuff. I really and truly appreciate it.