My WW saga and where to do from here?

[EDF]

All things considered, it sounds like you've been handling things very well CA!

My WW expressed a lot of similar sentiments as yours... feeling held back by the M, wanting to explore things with other people, being upset because I "ruined" her "harmless" fantasy. She actually had told me she thought her EA (sending naughty pics and emails) had made our relationship better, and she couldn't understand why I wasn't ok with it. She thought it was an ideal situation and she couldn't get why I wasn't willing to allow it, in order to keep her. After putting up with umpteen years of me she thought I "owed" it to her.

I 100% believe what Sandi says about needing respect first before other things can improve. Any nice/thoughtful gestures I made for WW were hiccups at best, and had very little positive effect. Some definitely had negative effects. In WWs mind, of course we're doing nice things for them because they're such a catch and we're lucky to have whatever scraps they throw our way. Doing nice things doesn't show them what they'd be missing, it reinforces that their waywardness is the way to get what they want.

What did get her attention was when I detached, did things for myself and stood my ground on things. When she met a guy friend for coffee and I went to bed early rather than waiting up for her, and didn't even ask her about it the next day. When I told her (calmly, politely) that I understood her frustration but it was bullshit for her to get upset at me because I didn't do something and then also get upset at me when I did it. When I went out of town to visit my family without her.

Those things got noticed. That doesn't mean she acted happy about it, or agreed with everything, but that kind of stuff is when I think she was getting glimpses of me as something other than an albatross around her neck.

Regarding your W wanting to talk, I think if you do talk it should be her doing most of the talking. I often fell into the trap of trying to explain my position and reiterate things. Or I would ask her a question and she would question me back and I would get into a long rolling answer. Let her do the talking. Any input from you should be short and sweet. Don't be afraid to respond to questions with things like "I need to give it some thought", or "I've just been focusing on improving myself". You can be available to listen to her, without having to answer every (or any) question she poses to you. After all, you're not the one who wanted the conversation!

You also don't need to make yourself available for the first time she suggests for the talk. After all, you're pretty busy doing awesome stuff.

I like how you were ready to leave the earlier conversation when she was being disrespectful - keep that mindset.