Hi lt, I admit I was trying to scare you straight so to speak. If you know your lawyer, then you can pay for a couple of consultations to get your plan in order without retaining them. And your W may not need to know about this. I always recommend people try for an uncontested or mediated settlement before retaining lawyers, unless there are special circumstances like a lot of funds or other legal threats. I just want to warn you that you need to, as you put it, stop seeing your situation and WW with rose colored glasses because from what you describe, she sounds very high risk.
In terms of you being afraid to enforce consequences for fear of throwing in the towel, I think you have that completely backwards. She is actively having a physical affair. Nothing you do is going to top that. In your vows you did not promise to pay her cell phone bill and for her gas to see OM! Allowing her to continue her plans to take your D away and make OM her new daddy, on your tab, is the absolutely best way to ensure you get divorced. In reality, divorce will be a bad situation for her and she will need to see this before she would ever want to reconcile. And that means she needs to see real consequences.
But, if you are not ready to take big steps, here are some little steps you can get started on:
1. Get a preferably paid consultation with a couple of lawyers, and get a plan of action for when/if you retain them. Find out what impact infidelity may have on divorce, spousal support, etc. The law is one thing, judges are another. That is why you need to ask multiple lawyers. And maybe they can go ahead and start drafting emergency custody papers keeping your D in your home, so you can file them quickly if it looks like she is about to take action.
2. Keep online and written documentation of all of your amazing dad activities. Give your WW rope and try to document you spending as much time as possible with your D. Document when your WW leaves with loverboy or is on the phone all night etc. I know she is a SAHM and has all day, but if you have your by yourself D 4-5 evenings a week, once she starts working it looks like you would be the primary parent.
3. Buy a Sony voice activated recorder. Keep it with you at all times you are in the same vicinity as your WW and D. Assume she is recording you as well. Do not escalate any argument. If she pushes you, or hits you then vocalize that and ask her to stop.
3. Tell her that if she thinks she is separated, then she needs to live like it and not just act like it. She needs to get a job, she needs to either move out or start paying for the house. Close out all joint credit cards, remove her as a user from yours. Change any CC numbers you have that she knows about. Split out 50% of the bank account funds and move it to a completely separate bank. Cut off all funds unless your L tells you to pay her some amount each month. If so, wire or pay her by check.
4. Get out front of her story. That means letting important people in your life know she is having an affair. I know exposure is not usually recommended here, but I am not saying to post it on facebook to the world. But people that she will use to draw support from in the eventual custody battle should hear your side first. So, that is probably her parents, siblings, very close family friends etc. And your D should be made aware in a honest way that your WW wants to leave and you do not want her to, but that it is NOT your D's fault in any way.
I know this is all scary, but in the long run, the worst action for you is inaction. I know you want to reconcile, but you have to accept that is not under your control. Keep building your relationship with your D, position yourself well for finances and custody, and protect yourself from false narratives or allegations and you will come out on top. Do all of this, and then if the worst happens and she doesnt come back, I can pretty much promise you that in a year, you will look back and wont be able to believe you ever put up with your crazy WW.
