Sandi- Thanks for your thoughts, they are always appreciated.
I think you need to know that whenever a WW is pushing so hard about the issue of dating......it usually means there is already someone waiting in the wings. Sometimes they haven't waited in the wings, and the WW has conducted a secret affair (EA, PA, or IA). I believe it is a red flag when "free to date others" is pushed at the top of what's important for her.
She has been adamant that she doesn't have any "dating prospects" but I am very suspicious at this point. Even if she's not actively seeing someone she is obviously on the lookout for a potential OM. As you point out, the fact that she's willing to put so much on the line to push me into "giving her permission" to start seeing other people if she wants means it's front and center on her agenda obviously.
I am glad you talked with a lawyer, and have a better understanding of where you stand. You said something about not sharing information with your W, unless she initiated. It may feel very odd, but I think you may need to start thinking of yourself more independently of your W. Just because she initiates a conversation and/or ask questions, does not mean you have to tell her anything that could hurt your "case" (so to speak). I am sure it must be very difficult to see her manipulating ways. This woman is your W and you are use to sharing with her, trusting her.
Sadly, I am growing to trust her less and less. I have come to realize that her agenda is based solely on what she wants right now, or the fantasy of what she wants. I seem to only factor in as an instrument to help her achieve her goals. I absolutely won't tell her about the consult with the L or any of the info I received. I won't mention D with W, and won't threaten her with it. If W comes to me and says she is filing or wants to file, then I already have a L that I can work with so I won't be completely off guard. I truly, truly hope that it doesn't come down to it, but in a worst case scenario I am prepared to file if need be.
Sadly, I have not seen a wayward stop her ways b/c her H was so sweet and kind to her. I haven't seen her stop b/c her H continued to be available for whatever, whenever, she wanted something. The NGS tells H's this is proving love......but it's not. It is proving to the WW that he is too weak to stand up, and speak up, and live for what he believes is right.
So, throughout their MR, she will likely (maybe subconsciously) test him from time to time to see if he is still strong enough to handle her and what she throws at him. Will he still be the leader, or will he give that job to her? Will he be decisive, or passive? Will he stand up to her, or jump around however she wants.....hoping to keep her in a good mood? If he can't deal with her disrespectful ways......why should she think he's strong enough to handle anything else? A woman won't fully respect a husband who is weaker than her.
This is painful to read, Sandi, but it rings true. I realize that I have become the "Nice Guy" in our relationship and have been for the past few years. She has practically said as much in a few of the comments she's made in the past several months. Part of it has been that I've been a conflict-avoider in our R, and W has been quite a bit as well. Part of it must come from insecurity, fear of losing W if we have a fight or conflict? It is a hard pattern to get out of but I find myself slowly letting go of the mindset that I have to please her.
I have come to realize that it is impossible to "please her" as this is a faulty premise to begin with. Trying to please her has been my attempt to coax love from her in the recent past and it doesn't ever seem to make her happy and she actually shows less and less affection. For years she desperately wanted a child and family but now often acts resentful about being a mom and despises our home, the town we live in, and being a W--everything about settling down that she acted as if would make her happy just a few years ago.
I also reflect on the fact that I've become a NG in so many small ways. No matter how tired I was or how late I was at work, I always stopped by the grocery store for her if she asked, or ran an errand. If I needed the same from her, she was completely comfortable telling me she just didn't feel like it. I know it must sound petty now, but it's a revealing example of our R dynamic. I see in hindsight that there were lots of little instances like this.
The funny thing is that I wouldn't really consider myself as much a NG in day-to-day life or at work. Typically I confront conflict outside of MR more often. I'm known as being calm and even-handed but I will call people out for not doing their job or for being disrespectful. I also stand up on behalf of my team when needed. I don't shy away from disagreements and I often like to through out differing opinions or counterpoints--sometimes just for the sake of stimulating conversation. I typically feel fairly comfortable with who I am. In the presence of my W, all that seems to evaporate. I'm trying to figure out how to be the "real" me 24/7.
I think the NG really came out in me when W had our S. She had terrible PP depression and often took it our on me. Because she was a new mom and obviously in a bad place mentally, I basically took to trying to appease, placate, or make her happy. This set the tone for the next few years.
