I am all sorts of crazy emotions. I feel as though my DB was off today. Yesterday's encounter though I handled rather well was not carried over to today. Had a rough work day. Work was busy, I still cant sleep I feel like a 2 year old that hasn't taken their nap. Everything hurts. Was late to pick D up because I couldn't figure out some work stuff. W met D and I at the sporting goods store. (I asked her to) when I saw her I was so stressed from work and stuff I leaned in for hug. (Turns out she was just raising her hand to fix her hair) felt nice. I wanted to cry. I did ask D in car who's idea it was to invite me for dinner yesterday, D said it was W's. got "home" did some homework with D. W heated up left overs for D's dinner. W asked If I was hungry, I said yes. W offered leftover's I said ok lets eat, she said no just you. I said no thank you. W insisted I take some home, I said no thank you. W brought over bread and oil as a snack. (w ended up not eating anything) We hung out with D at the dinner table until D wanted to go out and play. I said bye, but W and I got caught up talking about her school. (W claimed I never wanted to listen...not sure why but I love listening to her talk nursing stuff) W suggested we sit outside on the deckh. W told me all about her clinicals. I listened and asked questions and really paid attention. Then... we began talking about her classmate, who is mad at the school so classmate was venting to W about not wanting to go to their graduation. W gave her this as advice -"you don't go to graduation for the school, you go for your kids and your husband who have been through this with you and know how difficult and hard you've work." I seriously almost lost my sh!t. I was and still am angry. I was there! I was there because I wanted to. So I never expected a thank you, but after I got a big eff you I kind of do! W is very aware of how hard and draining it is for the family members so why don't I get any recognition? a thank you. I'm angry...I'm angry because I helped her study..D and I gave up our time with her for her dream. I packed her lunch. I made sure I made dinner and lunch. I woke up at 4am before she left to keep her company. I scrapped snow off her car at 5am. I shoveled the paths so she wouldn't have to. I gave up MY schooling to help her through hers. I pushed her to go back to school. I supported her...I was and still am her biggest supporter and I feel like complete poop that I have no W, no family to show for all the sacrifice I made. I did this willingly, I did all this for love. No one asked me to. But at the end of the night, when all is said and done I sit here on my computer in my little basement room Alone, in pain and in tears. I think W really wants me there. W also asked yesterday If I was still planning on going. A friend told me that W asking again, and the comment about family W made earlier is obvious she wants me to go. I agree I think I'll break her heart If i don't go. However, now I think I'll just help her guilt. Part of me wants to not go just to hurt her. To "show her" what life without me is like. No #1 cheerleader. I hugged her good bye. Not good DB. I spent time with my W yesterday and today. It was great. I do not think W is in a fog. I saw her fog with OM. This isn't fog in my eyes. W is very conscious, she comes alive when she talks about stuff she likes. W laughs, makes jokes, sweet, kind, caring...all of this and I am still not wanted. What a blow to the gut.
-I don't like this life. I hate this. I want my W and D back.
