Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[ericmsant2]

CT

Thank you again for taking the time to share your story. If I had any doubt that your W is having a crisis, your story eliminated them. It looks like you both have a ton of things to work through. What I gathered from reading your post was that you had the typical codependent/enabling/unhealthy relationship. She needed a knight to save her and you gladly accepted that role. The deeper issue that will need to be addressed is WHY. Why did you accept some of this? Why did you (maybe you still do) think that some of the behavior were/are healthy. If you are anything like me, chances are YOU probably do/did not understand what a truly healthy relationship is.

Question: What does LOVE mean to YOU? What does it look like? How do you give it? How do you receive it? What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

I was barely 18, she was 17. She sat next to me and we began speaking, hit it off right away.

You both were kids when you met. Neither of you knew who you were.

Eventually, she dumped me without any explanation.

Early signs of someone who has issues to work through.

She began very self-destructive behavior right away: promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, job hopping. I did the same.

Given this ^^^^^

We would still see each other, we cheated on others we were dating with each other feeling like it was justifiable because we were in love.

Why on earth did you do this^^^ - You both cheated on others to be with each other. Why did YOU do it? Was the attraction to much for you to say no? Was the sex that good? Understanding why you went along with this WILL HELP YOU.

Have you read anything on codependency? If not, I suggest that you do. Codependent No more is an excellent book that you should pick up and read.

I had a similar relationship in my past. Something that honestly, I needed to resolve in order for me to truly move on. It seems that the history between you and your wife has mostly been an unhealthy codependent one.

You both seem to move on from relationship to relationship – yet still maintained on some secret level communication. Why? Why do YOU think YOU did this?

I wondered if either of you knew what a healthy relationship ever looked like. Oh, and hey man, as I am writing this, I WAS YOU at one point.

It is almost like you both were addicted to each other and FTR, addiction is NOT love.

She told me that off of one of our early 20 year old visits, I had gotten her pregnant and she was going to have it, but she lost the child in a miscarriage.

Can you see how unhealthy this is ^^^^ She tells you 4 years later that she was pregnant but had a miscarriage. Why? What purpose would it serve? Honestly, it seems like manipulation to me. It seems like she wanted her knight back.

Question: Have you done any reading on boundaries?

Post from Job - However, as you matured, you grew up and she's still stuck back in the 90's. She has never had to face her issues on her own and now those issues have come back to haunt her. Will history repeat itself? Maybe, but what I see is that she continues to hit the break wall and hasn't learned the lessons that life is providing to her and until she does, she will continue to repeat them over and over.

This ^^^^ read this several times. Job summarized this 1,000 better than I ever could. I would add, that in addition to HER (your W)…..I actually wonder if YOU also have ever really dealt with some of YOUR issues.

CHOICE
We all have CHOICES…..
Healthy is someone OWNING their CHOICES…..
Rescuing is NOT HEALTHY. And let’s not confuse saving someone from a burning building with enabling someone and then stepping in and NOT allowing them the freedom to live their CHOICES.

Your W appears to have a pattern…..
She and She alone can break the cycle.
DO you agree that you to have a pattern?
Are you ready to break the cycle?

You cannot fix HER.

And the best way to get her back…..

The best way to help…..

Is to lead….

By example….

The best way IMO, is the break the cycle….to become a man that any women would be crazy to leave….

To find out why YOU do and think the way you do.

So start by answering the questions above…..

Start by reading “codependant no more”

Do you like to read? If so, pick up “let go now – embracing detachment”

If there was ever a time buddy to dig and dig deep (grab a shovel, put on your hard hat) now is the time!

I had contact with her tonight and I have a question about an happening.

I have a full day at work tomorrow, but if you need me, just shout out….a few of the posted know how to get a hold of me.

I’ll leave you with this…… 2 quotes from Batman…..yep Batman. I love Batman….

1) The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

2) You traveled the world... Now you must journey inwards... to what you really fear... it's inside you... there is no turning back. If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely. Are you ready to begin?

Peace,