MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[ROE]

Good morning Sandi2 and Linda, I can't post too much at the moment but will follow up with more later. This morning was ok prior to leaving home this morning but things went sideways an hour later over the phone and later by text. Long story short she, W again expressed her desire for D and wanting out. I did question the health insurance thing and was reminded that we are only cohabitating.

Her reason for the health screen and insurance was that she thought I needed insurance. But I asked what was she thinking about if she wants to D and get out asap. She said that I would be without insurance from sept through Dec. then I asked W when she was planning to file for the D if she's thinking I need ins through end of year. She assured me she wanted the D badly and followed up with she had t really given herself a date or thought much about it.

I did tell her I could not continue with the blatant disrespect and agreed with W we need to part ways and move on our separate ways. Maybe a mistake on my part but I wasn't lying. I really can't keep going like this and the disrespect has taken its toll on me. I no longer want this M. Would I reconcile given the op? Yes, but not without a major change in W's part. I did not tell her this but really mean every word of it. So, I really don't know what the rest of my day holds in store but I'm not in a good place emotionally right now. I'm angry and hurt. This is a BS way to live. I really cannot continue much longer like this.

I will check in again later.

ROE

[sandi2]

I am so sorry about the pain you are feeling. I wish I knew how to help you through this. The others on the board who are going through similar situations may be able to give you the support you need today. Sometimes, reading other threads and seeing how they cope with their stitch gives strength. But, if you think it would be more depressing, maybe not.

You deserve to be happy. Not all women are selfish, betray their H, & damage their children's lives. There are still good people in this world. I really believe that with all my heart! I also believe there is no person that gets through life without experiencing pain. I've been told there is nothing worse than betrayal. I've also been told there is nothing worse than seeing one of your children die. I've experienced one of those pains. I don't tell you that for sympathy, just like you don't share your stitch for sympathy. I will simply share this thought.....you have to decide to go on and [u]live[/u], although you may not see how that's possible today. Yes, you grieve, you don't forget, and you may cry at times,...but you have to make yourself get up and face the day....even when you don't see the point in it.... and you push through it and seek the good things around you.....and if you don't see any.....go find it. At some point & time, you stop pushing through the day and start living through it. You must live your life, in spite of the pain you feel today.

((Roe))

[ROE]

Thank you for the kind words and the ((hug)) I really appreciate it.

I just arrived at work after a Dr's apt and a very long drive and have some catching up to do. To be honest, I am not really with it right now.

I think you are correct in what you've heard about emotional pain. I have never experienced the death of a child and pray we never have to experience such a tragedy. I will say this is easily the most painful experience of my life since my father passed. I think because of the betrayal it is even more traumatizing.

When someone dies, you know it's the end and you will never see them again on this earth. But when they died and before they left us for good they were kind to you, they were close to you, they did not call you names, they did not lie to you, they did not deceive you, they did not flaunt their disrespect of you, they don't tell all your mutual friends how terrible of a person you are, they don't try to sway your children to disrespect you and lastly they don't betray you. At least in my experience with losing someone to death there was never a toxic parting of ways.

I will continue to check in as the day progresses.

ROE

[AndrewP]

ROE - one thing that struck me as so very "unfair" about all of this is how we are unable to get past our grief. Today my neighbour asked how I was doing and I wasn't able to hold it together. You'll start to feel better and then something fresh will "trigger" you and you'll feel the loss freshly all over again. Because those of us here are wishing for our spouse to come back to us each setback triggers the process all over again. I in some ways envy one of my sisters who is grieving the death of her H. She struggles a lot and is freshly triggered by things even all these months later but she has the love and support of those around you as I hope you do too. She has closure that I envy though.

[ROE]

Thank you AndrewP. "Closure" that is the key word. I do not and have never wanted a D. But I desperately am looking for closure.

How can I get there from here?

ROE

[RosaLinda]

I know what you guys mean -- I always thought it would be easier to be a widow than a LBS divorced woman. Although both have to go thru the stages of grief, at least it was not the spouse's decision to leave. Being betrayed is brutal. But poor Sandi lost her daughter. That must be the ultimate pain. No parent should have to experience that. So sad for her.

[job]

RL,

People don't look at the death of a marriage the same way that they do a death of a person. In today's society, divorce isn't looked at twice. It's become the norm from what it was back 20+ years ago.

No matter if it's a death of a marriage or the death of a person, we still grieve and the grief can take years to work through and we bounce back and forth through the stages for quite some time before we finally settle down.

Closure for me was accepting that I did everything humanly possible to save the relationship w/o getting bitter and vindictive towards him. I can honestly say that I gave my xh the best 25 years of his life because he had the opportunity to do many exciting and wonderful things over the years that we were married. He lived a far better lifestyle than the one he came from during those 25 years.


Closure is different for everyone...you will need to determine what closure looks like for you.

[ROE]

Sandi2, you eluded to your loss in your last post to my thread. I am so sorry for your loss. I really did not know. I do not believe for one second that a D even from acts of betrayal could compare. I'm so sorry. You are such a strong person and I am so fortunate and honored that you chose to read my story and show me your compassionate side. I've read part of your story and I've followed your posts for a few months now. I honestly believe that you have found your calling in life. Your advise and compassion truly comes from your heart.

Thank you. ROE

[ROE]

Job, thank you for posting on my thread. I have followed you as well. Thank you!

Death of a M & R is brutal on everyone involved. I am saddened that our children will are/will be the next to suffer the loss of their world as they knew it. Our family was a very close family. We did everything together and we all enjoy life. I really can't put a finger on what specifically happened that deteriorated our M. But I do know that I have invested much of my own damage to our situation. I used to take the blame for everything early on. Since this was how the message was delivered to me. But I have come to learn and realize that I only own 1/2 of the story. The other 1/2 belongs to W. I won't hide behind that truth because my 1/2 of the contribution was the reason W's heart hardened and it forced her to become wayward or helped trigger MLC or why she will soon become WAW. That is mine to own and change the way I lived in my 1st M. Truly if I do not then it is not this D I must be concerned with because there will be another one coming.

I have dug deep into my conscience self and have found traits that I honestly do not like. Like pride. Pride can be good but too much and if it gets in the way only causes harm to ourselves and those around us. Jealousy, I'm not normally a jealous person but it has consumed me within the past year and has impacted my reaction toward my W. Not good and certainly unattractive. Those are just 2 for now that I am working on. I have more issues of my own to work through and I'm getting through them in my own time. I can't force a change in myself but I can accept that I need to change. That is the 1st step. Maybe with a completion of all the needed change I must make will also bring me closure.

Job, I too will walk away from all of this knowing that I did everything in my own power and ability to save the M or to draw my W back to our MR. Sadly I humbly can see that my changing is as W puts it "too little and too late" to salvage our M today. But it's everything and enough to move forward and start the next chapter in my life. That I think is when and how I will find closure.

ROE

[ROE]

RL, thank you checking on me and taking the time to walk with me on my journey. I feel as though I have found a friend. I look for your posts and value what you say. Your friendship already is filling a void in my life. I'm gaining instead of losing. This feels good.

ROE