May Divorce Be With You

[job]

qt,

I don't normally post to you, but I thought these two paragraphs would help some who are reading your thread. Jack3Beans over on the MLC Forum posted the paragraphs in a new thread he's created today and they are very, very wise words:

"Your children are not your support during this process, you do not use them against the MLCer. You do not make them into allies, you protect them, and you are their support. You do your best to kill the vicious cycle and prevent your children from going down the MLC road later on in life and doing this to another person.

You could get through this if only they didn't do this to the children. The children do not become your excuse to be angry at your spouse. You take on the responsibility of a single parent now and you become the best single parent in the world. Shower your kids with love, but, very important you also have the responsibility to raise good people later. Bear that in mind, do not over compensate. Your children will be ok as long as you are."

When dealing w/children, especially very young children, reassure them that they are going to be okay. Tell them that you and mommy love them. You can reassure them by letting them know that you will be there for them and that they can talk to you about anything. Be sure to reassure them that they are not the cause of the situation as well. Validate their thoughts/concerns/feelings. This will help them to know that you care. I don't advise sharing too much of the situation between mommy and daddy w/them. This usually can stir up the anxiety just a wee bit and do not talk to them as if they are adults because they truly do not understand why their parents are separated/divorces.

Cld, I'm glad that you take time out to ask yourself if your actions are in the best interest of the children. It's important not to use the children as "weapons or bargaining chips" w/the separated/divorced spouse. It's also important not to say things to the children that can be taken back to their mommy, such as promising that you and mommy may get back together in a couple of years or you aren't going to date, etc. Children have a way of holding on to these statements and will revisit them if things fall through or you do get involved w/someone else down the road. It's best to keep those comments to ourselves because children do have a way of taking that info back to mommy and asking her about it. Children are the innocents here and we need to help them remain innocent for as long as possible. Kids today are growing up too fast and not experiencing their childhoods in a healthy manner. What is going on between mommy and daddy needs to stay in the adult arena.

I also want to point out that both women and men will stretch the truth when it comes to separation/divorce. It is up to your lawyers to work w/each party and document the financials, address the restraining orders, as well as any allegations of child abuse, custody issues, etc. Documentation is then presented in court to the judge to determine if documentation is valid or not. Not all judges believe the lies both women and men present. There are some good judges out there, just as there are some good lawyers. Bottom line, it's not just women who will go to extreme lengths to get what they want in a settlement...