Confused on What to Do

[Eagle11]

Brubeck,

There really are a lot of similarities between our stories. My wife has lost a ton of weight too. She was never fat, but very average weight for a woman in her mid 30's who has had two kids. She has lost so much weight this month, that she doesn't even really look like the same person. She is very attractive, but I always found her attractive no matter how much she weighed. I of course told her this a couple of weeks ago and she said I should have told her that more often. What she doesn't seem to remember is that I told her how beautiful she was all the time, but she would often dismiss it because she didn't find herself attractive. I think she has depression and I know she has low self esteem. I'm guessing that is part of the attraction to the OM, the new guy telling her how good she looks.

I was thinking about your reply that your W's only interest in the boys is going into Supermom mode when something really bad happens. I asked because my W has withdrawn from my sons big time. She is only affectionate by way of buying them a lot of sweets and being super happy when she's about to leave or when she's coming home. That's it. She ignores them most of the day save for dressing and feeding them.

I think a MLC Mother does something to fool themselves that they still care about their kids, even though the other parent may be doing most of the day to day work. For your W, the 'Supermom' moments she gets are such a thing - she's telling herself she's still an active parent. This also makes sense if she's a business / management type at her job because you have to deal with obstacles and setbacks all day long, so responding to emergencies becomes second nature.

I think my W thinks she is a good mother but she is never there. Last night she goes out after work to get a tattoo with our boys names and this somehow shows her love for them. Meanwhile, my S6 is at home asking me where mom is because he misses her. It was her birthday yesterday and although we were not going to throw a party the boys did have a gift for her. She doesn't call or text and then comes in the door at almost 9:00. My kids were so excited to see her. They are too young to understand, but I feel if she keeps this behavior they will withdraw and resent her as they get older and start to understand.

Of course when she got home she had to send pics of her new tattoo to all her family and friends. She had to show how much love she has for her boys by putting there names on her body. Meanwhile, I was the one who made them dinner, I was the one who made sure they had their baths and I was the one who got them ready for bed. I feel she has always put work first, but I think she has now moved the boys farther down on the priority list and she thinks by getting a tattoo or taking them to get a toy on the weekend makes it all good. Just like when there is a crisis, she makes sure she is the one who handles it and not me. When our son had to go to the ER last weekend she made sure she was the one to take him. She told me to stay with our S2 at home. I think your right about in your description of how she treats her kids almost like her work.