A WW? (3)

[lt0402]

A couple days w/o journaling. Really kind of in a flat spot right now w/ the situation.

Was out of town for a dinner and meeting w/ some clients Monday/Tuesday. It was good to get out of here for a bit. My boss and I went out after dinner Monday evening and had a bit too much to drink, but it was a nice distraction and he's been very supportive during this whole thing.

Came home tired yesterday, but got to spend a few hours w/ D before bedtime. D loves to wrestle around and so we did a little of that while W went for her run. W hates it when we do that, but as I've told W I think it's healthy for D to horse around.

W comes home and tries to start another fight. I'd cut a few large branches off a bush on the side of the house last Saturday. I'd been asking her for months to either cut the bushes or get someone out to do it, as she wants to be our bush cutter. W goes from anger over me doing that w/o talking to her, to sadness around her having plans for that bush and now she's going to need to remove it completely.

I listened, but really had a problem with her doing this in front of D. When W started crying, D went over to give her a hug. I didn't feel like it's Ds job to console W about a bush. Very concerned that W and D are too intertwined. Regardless, I sent W a text after we put D down apologizing for chopping the bush.

Me: "W, it was wrong of me to trim that bush. I'm sorry that I did it and that it made you feel sad. I'll talk to you in the future before I think about trimming anything else. I'm sorry for hurting you."

W: "FYI your apologies have never been sincere, but when you send me stuff like this that doesn't even sound like you it makes things worse."

Me: "Happy to discuss another night if you'd like, I just need to get some sleep tonight. I just would like you to know that I am being genuine with the apology above. I am sorry that I hurt you and made you sad earlier. Goodnight"

So, it was me attempting something new as I've never been great at apologies. I see the issue w/ it, in that I'm sending her an apology about trimming a bush while she's unremorseful for being in an A currently. That almost kept me from sending it.

IC today also said something similar and that it shouldn't be my place to be the scapegoat for all the issues in our MR. He viewed this as more of the same and the bush trimming and the rest of the fights the W has been trying to provoke are just extensions of W trying to lay blame for our MR issues solely at my feet.

Lesson learned. Thought I was doing a 180, but not an appropriate place to make that 180.

IC visits have turned into discussions wrapped around how I can be bettering myself and how I can minimize more damage from W going forward. It's funny to see them pivot from the "crisis mode" visits I'd been having at the start of this thing, to more intellectual and strategic conversations. From a humor perspective, the IC had the following observation about my trimming the bush:

IC: "I imagine you sitting in a maximum security prison as a new inmate and talking to some other prisoners. The first guy gets asked what he's in for and responds he's there for grand theft. The second guy when asked says he's in for murder. Then you're asked and you respond that you trimmed a bush and cut the tags off a bike helmet..."

That one was good for a laugh and bringing back some perspective to the situation!

Regardless, still grinding on this. IC doesn't seem to have a lot of hope at this point, but we're both on board that it's not over until it's over. Says W seems to be revving her engine on this S thing. That's after I mentioned that it seems like the L stuff has stalled on her end. D is back in school next week. seems like the perfect time for her to devote a lot of time to pushing the S and D forward.

IC thinks we should put D w/ an IC as well. He's concerned about her not being prepared to handle all of this w/ W as entangled in her life as she is. Unsure how my W will take this, but probably will try to broach it w/ her over the weekend.

There's my update for the past couple days. GAL tonight w/ a bunch of work folks, really looking forward to it. Will just keep on keeping on!