Still here and need support 2

[SH_]

Hi poschan!

I apologize for my missing in action here with you of late.
I have been on a side detour and fighting some good fights of my own.
I have been watching your story unfold from a distance, but you have been in good hands.

That being said I read this and felt the need to swing by.

WAW called this am to say that d8 was having sep anxiety when she dropped her off at school. we talked about it a bit and WAW said she wanted to do whatever is best for d8. I told her I wanted to say something but said nevermind and WAW nagged me to tell her what I wanted to say. I told her that I thought the best thing would d8 to have 2 strong parents who together overcome and become ever stronger in the R...

You are gonna want to stop this going forward.
Do not use your d8 as a bargaining chip so to speak to urge your WAW to come back and work on the MR with you.
So many LBS get stuck on this and it really can be more detrimental to both the opportunity to reconcile as well as to the relationship with the kids.
Maybe it's the very awesome L that I have, or my intense studying of DR and other material for our situations, but my point is that parenting and the MR must be kept separate.
In a good situation they are intertwined for sure. But they should never become attached to each other as a packaged deal.
I chose my L for this reason. He sold me on his goal and focus on the value of understanding that while a MR can be dissolved as it relates to the law. Being a parent has nothing to do with that.
He was a child of a divorce and he shares it that although his parents could not be H and W, they still showed a united front and were awesome parents.
This is a testament to me that kids will turn out just fine in the future if we stay focused on parenting, and better yet, focus on co parenting regardless of the MR.

IMHO, many of the LBH (myself included) tend to think that "taking care" of the family unit was the same as having a great MR. This is what lead many of us to an unhealthy detachment from our MR and thusly our current situations.

We would go to work, come home and relax, take care of the kids a bit, do a few chores and even plan family vacations. But we neglected to see and keep up with the emotional needs and desires of the one we claim to love.

I remember clear as day many times that as I was doing something with my daughters that my wife would so appreciate it and know that I loved her. Deep down I knew there was a disconnect with her, I just could not put my finger on it. So i threw myself more into the kids.
As my WAW raged out and threw a tantrum, it came out that she wanted to leave so many years ago. I asked her why she did not.
Her response is where my point that I am making to you was nailed into my mind.

The response was......................
"Because I did not want to hurt the relationship between you and our daughters."

My MR was on life support and maybe even dead many years ago. I knew it, but I could not revive it, so I tried to convince myself that taking care of my kids would keep us together.
It did not.

But my kids will get the best parenting ever from me and in time I believe that my STBX will come around and we can co parent well.

Seek out info about healthy co parenting. There is much out there and it will help you focus in the right place.

But please, remember to keep parenting and MR very separate.
You will benefit.
Your D8 will greatly benefit.

SH: thanks for the info on the thought process. Are you saying that we should try and substitute a positive statement for the negative when the negative thoughts occur? Can you provide some specific examples that you think have helped with solving the anxiety issues?

I realized I did not swing back to respond to you on this.

I am saying that our brain is very complex yet it likes the simple.
We have created words to describe things.
I have learned that feelings and emotions are not one and the same.
Feelings is the brains way of protecting us.
Emotions are the labels we give the feelings.
Check out this Ted Talk as it explains the "feeling" and how it confuses us as we label it poorly.
F the fear, it's not real anyway! | Deri Llewellyn-Davies
An example that Comes to mind that I worked on with d18 was just before she was going to a new social setting.
She was starting to feel unsettled.
Her words to me were, "I am feeling anxious and worried, because I won't know anybody and that makes me uncomfortable."
She expressed that it was a physical feeling.

I asked her if the feeling would go away if she were to say, "I am excited ad anxious to meet some new people because then I will have some new friends that I can get to know and hang out with."

She agreed to try it and within the hour she told me that she still had the physical feeling, but now that it was labeled with something that she looked forward to, she was able to concentrate on other things.

Long story short, she has enjoyed this new social setting immensely and is thriving in it.

Our brain believes what we tell it.
I know it seems a bit voodoo and magic like, but trust me.
The science, the stories and the experiences that I am currently having all back it up IMHO.

You can do it my friend.
“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” - Napoleon Hill