Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 4)

[JRuss]

So, anyway, I violated DB principles (as I understand them) this AM before work by asking my W how a difficult case she's working on at work has been going. She's been working long hours and is really stressed out, feels like she's neglecting the kids -- just really worked up and upset. My question slipped out before I thought about it, but it also occurs to me that a friendly roommate might very well have asked the same question.

Anyway, she went off on a 10-minute, profane (certainly by her standards) tirade about how she's not respected at work, how she ruined her career by taking a back seat to mine while our kids were little, how she's failed at her work, her marriage, how she's "stuck". You get the picture. She was going so hard I didn't even have an opportunity to validate before she was onto the next portion of the tirade.

She eventually calmed down and helped get the kids ready for school as she typically does. At one point when they weren't listening, she told me something like "Listen -- just quit caring about me. I don't want you to care about me. I wouldn't if I were you." I told her I heard her and she has every right to feel that way, but that I get to be in charge of who I care about. I said it with a smile on my face but was sort of recoiling from what felt like her desire to control even how I think and feel.

Later, she said she'd like to "decompensate completely and just curl up for for weeks", but she can't because she's so busy. I said she really needed to look after herself and that I hoped her IC was looking after her, as a person, and not just acting as her divorce coach (I know -- really bad and not DB), because that sounds a lot like depression, and we need to prioritize helping her. She mumbled something again about being too busy for it.

That's where we left things, but right before she left for work, she gave me a very nice hug and said "thanks for letting me vent".

I think maybe I'm getting where I can understand what people here are talking about when they mention the rollercoaster. When you're on it, it's wild and crazy and almost impossible to stay the DB course, and you end up, afterwards, alone, dizzy and confused.