Thank you so much for all the amazing advices you give me. Being inside of the MLCer turmoil is something out of this world.
So, after the whole mix up, XH gets home w/S16. I was sitting on the coach reading some papers and S18 was doing some homework. He walked to me and hugged me for a few minutes without a word. I did not say anything and just put my hand on him. Did not hug him.
Then I greeted S16 and XH said he was leaving. I just said goodbye with a little smile and said drive safe.
Monday, he texted me that he would be at S16 school when he would drop his football gear and talk to his coach. XH said he wanted to be there for the hard talk, at least outside so S16 would feel better.
I texted back and wrote: "They told me about the plans and I already washed all the football gear. I appreciate you will be there for S16. And I appreciate you. The way you are coming forward and making some things important. It is really nice to see you supporting the kids. They tell me all the time that the old dad would do "X" but the new dad is much better because he does "Z". I have no words to express my gratitude for the man you are now. Actually, I wish I wouldn't see all this change, but it is there and I feel like I need to tell you that you are a better man, a better father. Congrats!!!"
I know I may get a bunch of 2x4s on my head, but XH always says that I didn't admire him, I wasn't proud of him. I felt I should say something for the fact that I see he is trying to change some of the old. That he can be busy at work, but still make some time to support his family. Something he didn't before.
As amazing as life is. Monday night my Pastor, his wife and XH came to the house to resolve some church legal paperwork that actually I was the one driving the Pastor crazy about it.
I was making dinner and XH arrived a little earlier. He gave me the camping tent that I asked for and didn't question why I need it. He was happy, smiling and being really nice. I gave him the paperwork we would be working on. He started talking and I was very pleasant and polite.
We did some of the paperwork and I noticed that XH was pushing for another meeting some other time. Then he said with all the words that he thinks we won't be able to do all what needs to be done in one day, that we probably need to meet a few times more.
But then when we started putting dates, he said that he could only Friday night. I didn't say anything and he asked me if that was ok with me. I said that I had some plans already and maybe we could do it on the holiday. Then he said that if I was busy to do the papers, then they could meet by themselves.
He was not trying to be mean and I know it. He was trying to mess with my plan. Then I said that I could move things around and do what I need to do first. Then he said: "It seems that it always happen when you have some plans, I am sorry".
After dinner, I served some desert and coffee. We were all talking at the table. Then eventually we started talking about us, our lives, wounds, etc. The pastor started talking about us and how God has been transforming us.
He said that neither of us are nearly close to what we were when he met us the first time. That God has been cleaning a lot of old wounds and transforming us into new people.
He then said that it will be in God's time, but XH and I will eventually sit and talk about us and our unfinished R. That he knows we care and love each other, but there will be a time when we will forgive and will talk and eventually make our family a unit again.
XH had tears on his face. I did not cry. I just sat there in silence. We both listened to all what the Pastor said and we did not disagreed with him. By the opposite, XH said that he was very right.
So, I guess we had some kind of couple therapy. It was not planned, it just happen.
At the end, they were leaving and I said goodbye to all, nothing special for XH.
Yesterday, I totally forgot that he was picking up S16 to have dinner together. When he knocked the door I was surprised to see him. But, I just said hi and went back to finish my homework because I would be leaving soon.
He approached me and asked if I was doing my homework, I said yes but was really concentrated in my work and didn't talk to him. When he left, he said By Pink, and I just said BY, did not even look at him.
So, I get what you guys said. Keep some distance and go dark a little bit. It is not easy, but I think it is also not hard. I will adjust my attitude and keep my distance even when he is around. It is like he is just another member of the church and is coming to work on some papers.
I love what Job said that they need to work hard to regain your trust. If it is too easy, then they will do whatever.
I agree with that, and it kind of got stuck in my head. This whole thing about feeling I didn't love him, keep him justifying for the betrayal, the abandon, the zero responsibility with his kids.
Besides, pulling myself away from him will definitely gives me some space to rest. I confess that it all makes me very tired.
I will do my best, and I still believe in the process. I think that doing the right thing can at least improve your chances of rescuing the love that was lost somewhere in the turmoil of life itself.
It is still very hard for me to let go that my family broke into pieces. But I can't change that now. It is what it is and I am just feeding pain over pain.
I also wouldn't like to be the MLCer. I see how XH duel in his guilt. Even though I feel he is getting the best of it. Having a life without kids around to drive you crazy, not having any physical work since he does not have much, don't have the kids, no responsibility with school, doctors, and so much more that is involved in a teenager's life.
But I also see that he suffers for not having all this. That he is lonely, trying to feel better and still dealing with so much pain. XH has everything to do whatever with his life, all the space in the world to move on, and yet he is stuck on himself. Yeah, I do not want to be in his shoes.
I need to prepare myself tough, he is noticing that I am not ignoring him, but he has been treated as a neighbor. I still feel sometimes that he has been in this board because he does things like someone is advising him. Oh well, who knows.
I think soon the whole drama will break open again and I need to be strong to stay the course. I am not so broken now. I think I can do this.
Again, thank you so much for all what you did and is doing to help me. It is indeed a valuable gift in my life.
