Sandy, as I read through the different threads I haven't seen a lot that deals with someone that might be in my wife's position, having to face family and friends, to be honest most don't think very highly of her at the moment ( I haven't told her that though 😬) 1 of my brothers said that he would crash tackle me if I took her back!!! I know there are many other issues, just think that is a big one for her.
I remember reading some stories years ago about similar situations resulting from exposure of the WW's affair. One of our favorite LBH's (who supported exposure) said if he had to do it over, he would be more selective in who he told about the A. If I remember correctly, he said it had caused tension between his W and his family. It is understandable for family to have ill feelings toward the wayward spouse.
Here's the thing, Tony, you can't go back and undo what's been done. Right or wrong, it is done! As a former WW who was involved in an A, I can see how she may feel judged and an outcast, and hesitant about any contact with them. Although it was due to her own actions, she feels a betrayal by you. That may sound very ironic to LBH's who have a W that cheated. But your W feels what she feels, whether she's responsible for the fallout or not.
She told you that you should have protected her with the situation in the first church. I think she saw your persistence, or strong encouragement, for her participation and whatever experience she may have had.....as being unprotected or leaving her vulnerable. Generally, in traditional marriages, I believe women see their man being the protector. So, that may be where that's coming from.....or she may be just blaming you for whatever caused her unhappiness.
So, now she either genuinely feels that she cannot have a relationship with her in-laws, or she using it as an excuse for not trying to reconcile the MR. However, I'll have to say that your brother's attitude doesn't help matters. I can understand it, b/c I have had divorce family members all around me.....and it is difficult sometimes not to express your personal opinions about the offender.
About all you can do about that situation is to speak privately to your brother.....and any other family members who still feel strongly against you and W getting back together.....and ask them to respect you by withholding their personal opinions about your W. At the same time, you have to realize that if you share with them about her, exposing her, so to speak....it is going to affect how they feel.....and there will be fallout. So I suggest you not share information that isn't necessary. Know what I mean?
I rather doubt that your family's relationship with your W is going to improve a lot, as long as she is not willing to reconcile the MR. It takes time, a lot of effort, and a show of good will, to mend relationships between family and in-laws.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
