Need direction

[SH_]

Tony68,

I just read through your story and it would appear that you have learned a lot of late about what you should be doing. You expressed your understanding and successful efforts with healthy detachment and indeed it is something that if done correctly, it will carry over to other relationships in our life. It is certainly an action and not a destination.
Also you express a good thought about fear and how that actually can lead us to be controlling.

Would anybody have any thoughts on this; my wife has expressed a couple of times, once in tears " why did you have to tell your family that we are having problems" I actually didn't say anything for over 2 months and even then it was because my sister phoned and asked me if everything was OK as my wife hadn't been to any family functions in months ( I kept saying she wasn't feeling well)

My wife has always been overly concerned with what others think of her, and know that she hasn't spoken to my family and our friends for 2 years I can't help but to feel this is one of the biggest issues we have in a possible reconciliation. I have told her that we 4 are the most important thing to focus on but think it all looks to hard for her, the thought of facing everyone.

I do think she feels that she has dug a pit that she can't get out of, but would like too. I can accept the fact if I'm dealing with a wife who just purely doesn't want to be with me but would find it sad that the marriage goes by the wayside because of fear of what others think. I do understand it would be tough on her.

I know there are other issues going on here, this is just one
Any thoughts?

My thoughts on this are in line with what Christy shared with you. It is time to put your focus on you and those kids of yours. Your W has some issues that she will need to first identify and admit to so that she can seek out the help that she needs.
One of the big keys to our efforts with healthy detachment, is truly understanding that there is nothing......nothing that you can do or say to help this process out. This is for her to do and unless she were to approach you and ask for support after she has started down the road herself, you must stay in your lane here.

It is natural to have the thoughts and concerns that you ask about, but you can not do anything about them without pushing her further away.

Now as I read your story about the affair early on in the marriage, you share some of what you went through and how you pushed forward to heal.
What did she do to heal and move forward?
Is it possible that her issue with worry of what others think is rooted in what she did?
In my short reading up on infidelity, there is often times guilt and shame that goes un resolved. This may or may not be her issue, but again, I would say stay in your lane as she must resolve this on her own.
My 2c and thoughts in response to what you ask here.

Keep posting.
Share as much detail as you are comfortable.
Many good folk here that can help, support and guide you and all with the learnings of MWD and DB, and real life experiences.
You have come a long ways. You have a long ways to go, but you sound to be in a stable mental place now. This is where growth can take place if you are patient , persistent, and stay focused on your goals.
Be well this evening.