Confused on What to Do

[Brubeck]

I broke down and cried for the first time in probably a week. The emotions finally hit me and I was a mess. It was the most depressed I have been probably since this all started. It just feels like this is a losing battle.

That's normal and healthy. I was such a wreck for the first 3 months, so slammed into the wall by this, that I would start tearing up standing in line at a grocery store - and prior to my W's MLC, I was NOT the crying type. It may not feel good to cry at the moment, but it's definitely cathartic. It's painful, but it's necessary. Get it out of your system. Your soul is cut and crying is the disinfectant before the bandage is applied.

I have never told my sister anything and I told my mom not to say anything but I bet my mom did. This makes me upset. This is another obstacle in my way. I know my family means well, but I don't need them getting in the way. I think my W could use this as another excuse to get a D. She knows I had nothing to do with it but she will say something like she could never face my family anymore.

This is exactly why I haven't told my mother. You are wise to keep your mouth shut about this.

The night got even more weird. My W is talking to me about my sister and she goes to take a shower and gets undressed in front of me. She is standing there naked like its perfectly normal but we are having a conversation. She hops in the shower and proceeds to tell me about her trip last week.... she then got out of the shower and had me hand her a towel. There was absolutely no sexual vibes between us and she acted as if it was perfectly normal for her to stand there naked with me in the room. I know this was bad and I can't let this happen again.

I think I heard the term from Sandi2. It's called Temperature Checking. An MLCer or a WAS will do something like that to gauge your interest, to see if you notice or pay attention. I am trying to mind read here, but I am betting your W is just looking for your eyes to travel below her neck for just a second. My W would temperature check me every now and again, she's stopped since moving out of the MBR. You did the right thing by playing it straight. She didn't want you to make it sexual. She may try it again, and she will corner you with it when you don't expect it.

I feel sorry for my W, but I also have a hate towards her tonight. I just feel the lying has become so natural and so easy for her.

You and me both. I feel pity and disgust for my W at once. I get angry and sad in the same breath. Some mornings feel like the end of the world and by the afternoon I'm thinking 'Hey, I'll be fine'.

As for the lying, one of the reasons I post is to ask if this kind of rampant lying is normal. My W doesn't just lie to me, she lies about me to others and lies to others about everything. Every veteran says it's part & parcel, lying is like breathing to them. After all, they're lying to themselves - so lying to everyone else is easy.

We're human and we're supposed to be f#&ked up for a while. It takes time to find one's footing in this. I'm still working on it myself.