Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[ForGump]

After all this time together ... my W completely forgot about my birthday coming up in several days. Not that I'm expecting her to throw me a party. Just thought she'd remember it while discussing a medical appointment for a family member.

Tells you where her head is.

[CT1118]

ForGump, seriously, this does not matter. My W forgot my birthday every year - she would get the month right, but always have to ask. And, on our anniversary this year, she fked her OM. That was how I found out she had been lying to me about not still seeing him. I found this place the next day. It doesn't matter man. Lower the expectations = lower the disappointment.

Go out. Get out of your house. Get out. See friends. See anyone. Speak to anyone in public and act happy even if you are not. See what happens. Dude, I was so down in the dumps one day leaving my apartment to walk my dog. A HUGE sized woman, 1easily 15 years older than me was walking by to her car and all dressed up. She had a scowl on her face, and I mean one of terrible levels, looking right at the ground. I walked by and said "hey, not sure where you are going, but you look very nice tonight." BThat was all it took...she smiled, perked up, said "thank you. I hope you have a great night too 'sugah' (black women in the south, love their use of sugah)". She gave it back and it did not heal me, but it felt good brother. Get the fk out man and meet people! Anyone!

[ForGump]

On our anniversary this year, she fked her OM

This is a f[cking] nightmare.

How can you keep loving someone like that.

I can't

[Jug]

Ct,
Omg your anniversary story is terrible but your other story is great and such good advice. Making others happy is a great way to make yourself happy.

Hang in there gump!

[CT1118]

I mean really, is my story so bad? Is it a nightmare? Is my story one to read and think "holy fk, at least I am not there?" Is it? I mean is your W blowing a dude on any given Monday somehow better than on Christmas, or Halloween, or your Birthday? C'mon!

Fking is fking, year, month, hour, day...does it matter? Does it?

Have you all read anything in this place? It might be just about the sex, it might be about mental health, or it might be about how you were horrible to live with, and it might not be on any of that. If you are a dude who's woman is out to pasture, it most likely is not about the sex alone (it may be and you should explore that with your mind!). It is most likely because either you sukx it as an attention paying affirmation giving male homo sapien - or - your W is also MLC - or - your W wanted some strange.
One of the things I did was make a list...a list about what hurt me the most about my W being away from me. Her fking another guy was like number 4 or 5. Her telling me she did not want to see me ever again was number 1. But I never heard that. Sex is sex. Your dog can do it. Get over that part of it or your heart will never heal. Channel your inner Surfer...and by that I mean warrior, b/c he is one. Go over and read his harsh a$s sht, it is spot on.

[CT1118]

I mean really, is my story so bad? Is it a nightmare? Is my story one to read and think "holy fk, at least I am not there?" Is it? I mean is your W blowing a dude on any given Monday somehow better than on Christmas, or Halloween, or your Birthday? C'mon!

Fking is fking, year, month, hour, day...does it matter? Does it?

Have you all read anything in this place? It might be just about the sex, it might be about mental health, or it might be about how you were horrible to live with, and it might not be on any of that. If you are a dude who's woman is out to pasture, it most likely is not about the sex alone (it may be and you should explore that with your mind!). It is most likely because either you sukx it as an attention paying affirmation giving male homo sapien - or - your W is also MLC - or - your W wanted some strange.
One of the things I did was make a list...a list about what hurt me the most about my W being away from me. Her fking another guy was like number 4 or 5. Her telling me she did not want to see me ever again was number 1. But I never heard that. Sex is sex. Your dog can do it. Get over that part of it or your heart will never heal. Channel your inner Surfer...and by that I mean warrior, b/c he is one. Go over and read his harsh a$s sht, it is spot on.

[ForGump]

CT,

Month day matters because we're all human beings, we structure our lives on the calendar, we remember and celebrate holidays and special days.

Sure, fking is fking but just like I wouldn't want my kids to not have something special on their birthdays, a flagrant disregard of the social and cultural things that meant something special to us ... that hurts more.

I get the warrior call, the chest thumping we do to keep each other going through this fked up hard times. But just how much pain makes sense? At which point does it just become absurd, a self-important exercise to prove something to ourselves?

I don't want to prove anything to anyone, not even me. If I arrive at a place where I know I'm holding nothing but sht cards... it seems more warrior to me to call it like it is, fold, and go home.

I've got someone mentally ill. I've got someone who is going through exactly the same MLC sht that her mother went through, at exactly the same age, on the dot. Set your clock by it. Same fking behavior. Someone who used to call me the best person, best Dad, best husband she's ever met -- and now, yes, she wants to go blow some dude out at the park. Who knows. How does a person snap back from that. I don't think she does.

I've got a sht hand, and maybe it's time to go home.

[albac]

I hear you loud and clear Gump,

W just left here was all going fine then she gets a text from OM quickly picks up her phone so I can't read it and hides it. I'm ready to fold aswell but I can't do it in a different way. Just need to cut her loose rather then me do anything specific I just need to take away all the encounters.

Same old story if someone is stupid enough to leave be smart enough to let them go. I'm on that train now.

[Surfer]

ForGump, Albac really?

Fold? Come on. You can't control your feelings now. Just because you say or type "I Fold". Do you really think it will change how you 'feel'?

OK - it might, temporarily. It will let you feel like a cancer victim, they stop Chemo - all feels better, for a few days, weeks or months, then the route cause of the problem kicks in.....

Look guys I know this is absolutely horrible I am living your nightmare too - so many are). You will never control how your wife is. Equally she will never control how you are. You don't have to 'fold' to 'let go'. Even if you do fold you still have to let go. Don't you see? Its the same job you have. 'Let go' - call it fold call it 'being done' I don't care, but don't close the door. Just leave it a jar or let a light shine through the keyhole - whatever.

It's hard, I get it. Really got there then crashed recently. Getting back in the saddle again and already feeling more positive. Gym, work, GAL, make plans for you and the kids - cuddle them. You know what works.

A different spin. How do you feel about someone else right now? Could you walk into a bar and be the confident guy you need to be to win their heart - is your heart is in it? If you could, could you be the guy that knows, for sure, that if your W (not WW) came back that you would not be tempted to drop your new date like a burning coal? Answer either of these as no and you are not detached.

Focus on 'let go' not fold is the best advice I can give. Another point, you don't her at this point in any event. I copy & post something I typed the other day that may help.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

This is the text. Minor amends. incl.

So, I had a thought. You are trying not to be hurt, I imagine...... So am I, and I am succeeding in part. However my thought is this. We are hurt in part because we want love and affection from someone that won't love us back. We are rejected. We can not control that. But rejected by whom? By the WS or the S? Yet do we really want the WS? I certainly do not. The S yes. So, as the downside Armageddon is separation and divorce - which is a distinct possibility - I do wonder whether to help detach it is useful to focus on why you don't want your WS? Should they come out of the fog, and I hope they all do - mine included, all perfect, but if not I will have to move on.

My WS has the following character traits, perhaps yours does?:

- She lies (absolutely deteste this)
- She manipulates (me and others)
- She is emotionally and potentially physically unfaithful
- She has betrayed her marriage vows
- She spews
- She re-writes history
- She harms my children and family emotionally
- She harms me and my children financially
- She throws tantrums
- She seeks validation from those who do not have my family's best interests at heart including mine and in particular my children

I don't know if there is more to add to this list, feel free to assist. To be clear, this is not a 'I hate my spouse list'. This is so I can recognise what the WS is. So I can make a conscious decision. Do I actually want this? My answer is no. If was drawing up a list of character traits for my ideal partners would any of the above be on it? No. So why do I want this person to love me? I don't.

I am going to use this list to help me detach (from WS only). I still have to co-parent with this person. But that is it. The door is ajar for the W - I hope she can see the light shining through.

Surfer.