Hey Pinn- if you're reading this... I've had not one, not two, not three, but four (!) friends give birth announcements since Sunday. Been thinking about you because I know we're feeling the same way about this! Ugh.....just ugh. One of my girlfriends is having twins, too. Also, I suspect my very best friend will be announcing soon, as well. I'm 99% sure she's preggo, but I don't think she's sharing out of pity for me. Ugh.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
ugh!...Yea that is the worst. Best part of the new job is not having to go to a baby shower once a month and have people constantly ask me when I am having kids (I kept my relationship status on the down low at work). I'll never ask anyone ever again if they are planning on having kids. I feel ya!
Hello all, Just wanted to put something out there and journal a bit....
While things are peachy at the moment, I've been fighting off some loneliness. For the first time ever in my life, I know how it feels to be lonely. It's hard. I don't like it.
My social life is good, GAL is also good. Today, I went to work, was able to visit my sister for lunch and then went to an NFL game with a friend this evening....But I'm home now and I just want a companion with me. I know I don't need a man in my life, but I want one in my life. I know better than to allow myself to get consumed by someone, but I know for certain that I want a partner to share my life with. Any tips for combatting this feeling? I'm not alone by any means... Just lonely right now. Hmmmmm.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Girl, if that's what you want, then let go of your H and go find it! We have already established that he's not a good candidate for the future father of the family you would like to have. So why not initiate the divorce and begin moving forward, to find a man who CAN give you the true partnership that your heart desires?
In the meantime...... Things that helped me or others through this time: The companionship of a true friend that I could call every day if needed Massage (nonsexual, but from a masseuse of the opposite sex) can lessen some of that simple need for human touch. Make a vision board....a collage of pictures of things you want in your future life. Post it where you will see it daily.
Hi Feyth, I'm sorry you've been feeling lonely. But I would caution against 'filling the void' with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe separate things out here. Do you still hope to reconcile with your H? If not, you may want to consider filing...it's always up to you of course. But resolving that is a different thing to the loneliness.
For me, I never regretted not dating whilst still M...I don't think it's a good plan to still be processing D matters and feelings with another guy in the mix...
JMHO of course....and I always admire your energy and progress btw....it's infectious xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Feyth. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the loneliness right now. I think its normal and part of the process. You are missing something that has become a part of your life that is no longer attached...like an arm or a toe.
I think you just have to go through it and accept it.
I agree with KML. Massage helped me immensely with the physical touch aspect. I also decided while in the depths of loneliness to make a major change in my life to help combat that feeling...maybe it will help you. I started really reaching out to people. I'm an introvert and relied heavily on my H for communication with others. I decided to just text (and later, when more comfortable with it, call) people and ask how they were doing. I started purposefully looking for or noticing the good in people and telling them what I saw. It comes back to you.
Its also ok to let people know what you're feeling...maybe they are having a hard time, too. I met a friend through meet up who was also going through a D, but just seemed to be a happy, funny fellow book-clubber. By opening up a bit I then found out she was very lonely and looking for friends to do things with. She is now a friend, dining and hiking buddy.
Also, take yourself on dates. If you are feeling lonely at home, go to a movie. Take a good book and go out to lunch or dinner. Somewhere that there are other people. I like football and soccer...I decided to hit up a local sports pub to watch my favorite team play. I sat at the bar to eat dinner because at the bar you don't have to sit across from an empty chair. Try it sometime!
Also, its up to the individual, but I'm with Job on the dating while still married. In my case, I think of how betrayed, hurt and angry I was (still am) that my H would have an EA and, even if he is done with me and near D, I can't bring myself to disrespect the vows I made spiritually and legally until both contracts are ended (one through the courts and one through, well, my own sense of being done i guess). I guess I just feel I would be doing the same as what he did to me if I did.
But sometimes you're just going to miss that phantom limb. Just realize that its ok...it will pass.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you all so much for the insights and suggestions. I like the idea of getting a massage, but getting massaged by a guy makes me nervous! Ha ha!
So last night, I did confide in my friend that I was feeling lonely. Her immediate suggestion was to join an online dating site. She couldn't understand why I hadn't tried it already. Just to get myself out there, and see what I like and don't like. She said it's a good opportunity to try new approaches. She met her boyfriend of 1.5 years on one of the free ones. I thought, wow I can't do that. The whole swipe right/ swipe left is not for me. I told her I would feel bad judging someone that way! But I totally get that's how it's done these days. She said, then you need to join xxxxx site. I thought...... Mm mm maybe. Then we thought, since we were at a football game she would help me scope out some guys. (Eye roll)
Not 5 minutes later, we were talking to this vendor at the stadium and he asked if we were single. She said no. After some awkward hesitation, I said yes and just smiled at my friend. It was funny because we literally were just talking about it! He said he found that hard to believe. My friend asked if he was single and he said yes too. Then after a minute or two of small talk, he asked me out. Ok this guy was really cute, but looked super young. Immediately, I blurted out- ummm how old are you?!? He turned red and said we can talk it over during dinner. I shook my head and then he said 23! Oh my lord! There is no way in hel! that I want to be a cougar.... Or a sugar mama! It was funny though and I had a good laugh.
So today, I'm reading all of your kind responses and feedback and yet I can't get the idea out of my mind that maybe I do want to dabble with the online thing. I have gone out on a couple dates through all of this, but knew I was never ready. While I'm reading along with your awesome comments, a commercial comes on talking about this weekend's "free communication weekend" for the site my friend recommended. I ignored it. The commercial came back on again while I was reading my book...... So I put the book down, got online and thought- yep, I'm gonna do it.
As I get ready to fill out the profile, my heart is pumping, and I get to the relationship status part. I honestly clicked on "separated" and moved to the next question. A few clicks later, a message pops up and says- Your relationship status does not indicate that you are single. Therefore you are not eligible to join our site.
Touché universe. Touché.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, wow that's interesting that they would have that category and reject on that basis. I can honestly say that I wouldn't date someone who was still M. To me, if they haven't worked through the process of D and are truly single, I'm not interested in dating (though they may be lovely people, they just wouldn't be at a place where I would date them.) That's JMHO of course and we are all different.
A factor for me (since my own experience of infidelity) is that I wouldn't want to be a 'third' person in someone else's M - a factor in whether they ultimately decide to D or not....
So, what are your plans now Sweetie? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto, My plan is to just be still for a little while longer. My thoughts about seriously dating were fleeting. Just wanted to try something and the universe put me in check
I think I'm feeling restless because those feelings that I had connecting me to h are gone. I seriously don't think I want to be with him ever again. I don't think he's the man I'm supposed to be with. I've gotten to the point where I am ok with the idea of moving on and allowing another man in. Not as a replacement or quick fix, but because that's what I want out of life. I've never ever been the girl to jump from r to r, but yeah.... I think I'm ready to see what's out there.
The last two months or so, I've really evaluated things and like MWD suggests doing.... I am fairly confident that I've left no stone unturned here. MLC is a different beast, I know that, but I still have to look at everything over the last 11 years and remember that being with him was no piece of cake at all. I loved him so I had no issues trying to make it work (or at least tried to), but in the absence of love, I now just remember all the angst I had in our R. The reason I say the above with less than 100% confidence, is because we've never tried to fix this. I think had we even attempted to fix this (other than the shoddy therapist a few times) I would know for sure that I've done all I could and I don't believe that opportunity is going to come my way anytime soon... At this juncture I'm not feeling interested.
Am I dying to get into a new relationship? Yes and No. I haven't felt love in over 2 years. I'm a caring and compassionate person (wayyyy moreso since I've been DBing) and despite the hel! I've walked through, I still have a lot of love to give another person In a romantic partnership. Also, I am fairly certain I could do so without holding onto issues from my past relationship. Well, I do have a few trust issues but trust is something that's built over time, right?
I want a family and I don't want to force it. Yet, on the same token, time is of the essence now as I continue to get older. My eggs are already geriatric! Really crappy situation to be in. Of course, I don't want to be in an r with the sole purpose of having a family. I want a life partner and we together will make the decision to bring a child hopefully two into this world.
So, with that, I also completely agree with you Sotto- I would not want to date a "married" man either. In fact it would be a complete turn off. I know I'm being hypocritical here. The fact that I'm still married is an issue as well so I have no doubt that men would feel the same way about me. I've also had to dig deep and question if I am ready to test the waters or if I'm trying to fill a void. i think its a little of both... Regardless, i know I'm ready to start moving forward.
Been thinking of giving h a letter outlining some things that I want to say and then asking him to give me the divorce. I'm ready to move forward on this but as mentioned in the beginning of my post, I'm going to sit a little bit longer whilst still thinking of my plan. I can't believe I got to this place! But I'm here!
Sorry for the ramblings, these are my thoughts that have kept me awake in the middle of the night for the last two weeks. It's 4:30am and i might be a lil loopy!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hey Feyth, sorry you have had a rough few nights with your thoughts. I am sure though that once you decide you are ready for a relationship, you will have your pick of guys (pick the right one!). I think your bubbly personality will bring out a line for you! Congrats on getting hit on by the 23 year old haha! Must have been an ego boost if nothing else right?
I played around on an online site myself. Nothing happened, but I just wanted to see what was out there in case WW and I did divorce. Of course I answered honestly and put 'separated' on there.. that site didn't care. But then it was funny because I was browsing profiles, if I saw the word 'separated', it was an instant turn off! I was surprised by it actually. But it showed me, like I think it showed you, that I cannot date until the D is final. A lot of people on my threads have said there is really no difference between being D and not, and I disagree with them because of this, there is a difference.
Anyway, hope the tri training goes well this weekend!
