Maybs - Pt3

[maybs]

I don't really feel like I had a reason to be nervous leading up to this. I think it had just been so long since I had seen her I didn't know what to expect or how she would act towards me in person.

She got here, she is driving ow's car apparently, so she didn't have her house key and couldn't get in. It kind of felt nice that she had to knock at her own house. Anyways I let her in and went back to the kitchen to finish unloading the dishwasher, which I had been doing when she arrived.

She came in and went to the living room to visit with the dogs, I could hear her talking to them about how she misses them so much and they must miss her and their sister (our other dog that she took). I continued focusing on the dishes. She came to the kitchen asked me about where her computer charger was I told her I didn't know that I only knew where mine was.

She asked me about when our dog that she has could take her medications and I told her she was supposed to have them 5 days ago so today would be best.

She told me she didn't have her house key because she has been driving ow and her dad's car for work so she doesn't go over her lease miles.. This did kind of upset me but only because I'm not okay with ow driving a car that my name is on. It bugs me...
She also told me again how she hates that she doesn't get home from work until so late and she took time off this afternoon because she knew she needed to stop here and she might join a carpool but then she will have to change her work schedule again and blah blah blah... I listened I validated when necessary saying things like "That must be very frustrating for you" or hard, etc.

She did ask me about mediation, if the place had called me yet and I said no and she kept saying "I don't want to be a hinderance" about it. I don't even know what that means. I seemed so loaded like what are you hindering? It seriously felt like she was saying "I don't want to be a hinderance to the divorce you want..." I don't know something for sure felt off about her saying that and the way she kept repeating it.

She said "well I should go" a few times but then made no move towards the door. She kept lingering and trying to talk and eventually I think she just ran out of small talk to try to talk to me so she left. She said have a good night and I said you too.

We did not even talk about the face that her brother and his family are coming to see me tonight. I don't even know if she remembers that that is tonight or not.

The whole time she was here one thing that kind of stuck out to me about her was she seemed really depressed and sad and just generally unhappy... I do hate to see her feeling that way but at the same time I'm not in a position where I feel like it's my responsibility.
I could also tell she was uncomfortable because she makes a weird face when she thinks something is uncomfortable and she kept doing that.

What I don't get is she could have picked a different day to come. A day when she had her house key and could have come and not had to see me...so why leave work early to come see me and then just make really awkward small talk??? I don't know I kept feeling like she was about to say something or talk to me about something else and then she just never did.

I know can't mind read. It was a curious encounter that's for sure.

Even more curious is the fact that I don't really feel influenced by it. Yes I was nervous leading up to it. I think it was just nervous anticipation but the actual exchange influenced me very little. I do miss her and still love her and can tell she's struggling with something but I no longer feel obligated to ask her about it or to try to help her solve it. This is her problem and she will need to figure it out on her own. I feel good about the whole thing in general. I feel like I presented my best self today and she saw that. I also listened and validated but stuck with my guns and didn't get sucked into asking her what was wrong like old me would have. I don't think it was nice to see her to not nice to see her. It just was what it was.