I was reading through your thead and thought I'd post a quick reply. I noticed you were wondering about your w's age. I have no doubt my w is in mlc and she turned 35 last week, this all seems to have started a year ago when a good friend of hers was killed in an accident although I think her grandpa's death 5 years before also played into it.
I'm basically reiterating what others have said but try to stop snooping, you know it's happening and have chosen to stand (kudos because it takes a strong person who knows something is not right with your spouse) so you're only tourturing yourself by doing so. I know easier said than done, it's so painful. As others told me, he is not the prize, only a bandaid. From what I've read and seen, they get an actual high from the A and the secrecy, etc adds to this. It's a good feeling in the midst of depression. One thing I read that stuck with me is that As typically run on rocket fuel, hot and fast, then burn out. By snooping, etc you are giving her more fuel, maybe even an it's us against them/the world mentality with OM, and from my experience she will just start hiding it better. My w would do the phone thing too, it's insulting but shows just how far out of whack they are, just like a teenager hiding something from their parents.
remember you are the only one you can control, work on yourself and if she has legitimate complaints fix those but don't tell her, show her. I know it's tough when you feel so many cycling emotions (I know, I was an absolute wreck) but try to be consistent and respond instead of reacting. If your all over the place it gives her further justification in her mind it's you and not her. I try to think to myself, no one can make me feel a way I don't want to. I definitely am not living this by any means but I try and when I can change my mood, feelings, etc to not let something affect me it is a powerful feeling.
