My WW saga and where to do from here?

[sandi2]

I think you need to know that whenever a WW is pushing so hard about the issue of dating......it usually means there is already someone waiting in the wings. Sometimes they haven't waited in the wings, and the WW has conducted a secret affair (EA, PA, or IA). I believe it is a red flag when "free to date others" is pushed at the top of what's important for her.

I am glad you talked with a lawyer, and have a better understanding of where you stand. You said something about not sharing information with your W, unless she initiated. It may feel very odd, but I think you may need to start thinking of yourself more independently of your W. Just because she initiates a conversation and/or ask questions, does not mean you have to tell her anything that could hurt your "case" (so to speak). I am sure it must be very difficult to see her manipulating ways. This woman is your W and you are use to sharing with her, trusting her. That's understandable. However, I can't caution you enough not to trust her as long as she's wayward. No matter her previous character, the waywardness will mostly override in every decision she makes, and every act she carries, every behavior she conducts, and every selfish intent to pass through her mind. Very dark picture, isn't it? I know, but I also know she can come out of the waywardness and turn back to find the person she use to be.

Sadly, I have not seen a wayward stop her ways b/c her H was so sweet and kind to her. I haven't seen her stop b/c her H continued to be available for whatever, whenever, she wanted something. The NGS tells H's this is proving love......but it's not. It is proving to the WW that he is too weak to stand up, and speak up, and live for what he believes is right. To see him refusing to compromise his integrity. To see him unafraid of her threats, tantrums, and bullying. To see that he is not moved by her tears and pity-parties. To see that he will not fall for her manipulating tricks. To see him unafraid to stand up for himself. To a WW, that is a picture of a man who has inner strength. Although it will make her mad, at first, down in her heart she can't help but respect him. She doesn't want to respect him at that point (b/c now, she's wayward), but when he proves he can be stronger than her......then she knows this is a man who can protect/provide for her, and her children, and take care of whatever may fall upon their family. When women are afraid or worried to death, they want a H who will hold them, calm their fears & tears and assure them they (their off-springs and their home) will be protected. That is the natural instinct of a woman.

So, throughout their MR, she will likely (maybe subconsciously) test him from time to time to see if he is still strong enough to handle her and what she throws at him. Will he still be the leader, or will he give that job to her? Will he be decisive, or passive? Will he stand up to her, or jump around however she wants.....hoping to keep her in a good mood? If he can't deal with her disrespectful ways......why should she think he's strong enough to handle anything else? A woman won't fully respect a husband who is weaker than her. She won't respect a husband who she can master like a puppet. Somehow, a lot of H's have gotten away from those natural instincts. Things have gotten out of order under his own roof.

When the WW wants to step outside the MR, or if she decides she wants to S or D.....she basically has removed herself from his protection, leadership, etc. How can he lead someone who doesn't respect him enough to follow? Yes, you are correct when you say that is the base of it. That is the main problem that stands in the way of your WW having loving feelings for you.

Some newcomers don't want to believe this, and don't want to accept this. They don't want to give up believing that if they will be nice enough enough to their WW, then she will finally see how much he loves her and she will want to rebuild their MR. I haven't seen it work that way, but if it works for them, I will be happy for them. I simply try to explain the mindset of a wayward wife.