MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[RosaLinda]

So, I don't know if I'm experiencing touch and go's or if W is just being polite? Maybe she's temp checking me? I guess I really don't know how to tell those apart. I probably could have back in the day but,,, to be honest. I don't know who I'm dealing with anymore. So I'd like to hear from other DB'rs about what they've experienced, good / bad or indifferent. I'll take all the help I can get right now......

The next question is... are there different approaches that work better or worse based on the 3 behaviors mentioned? Boundaries, detachment and self management seem to be promoted in all. So I know I have to work on these things. But I'm also realizing there must be a difference with approach to a WW that seems to be unique to MLC. I think W whether MLC or not is wayward. I just really don't know if any of this work will really matter in the long run.

I think your wife's actions, with things being more "civil" since you stopped pursuing and started detaching, might be due to her feeling less pressure, or might simply due to the dynamics of pursuit and distance. You stopped pursuing, and she is feeling the lack of you a bit, and is not quite ready to dump you completely and move in with OM.

That's sort of what made me think she may be experiencing a crisis, as opposed to being a pure WW. That she dropped the bomb, but is still hanging around at home 8 months later, I mean. I thought that a WW becomes more and more enraged with her spouse's behavior, and silently makes her plans to escape. Then when the time comes, simply walks away, leaving a befuddled husband who had no idea thinks had gotten this bad, or even thought things were much better. I guess your wife's reasons for sticking around could be financial, like you said, or she might not want to go public about having an affair.

I dunno, Sandi is the expert on this. I think she considered herself as having had a MLC, then realized she was a WW, although maybe I'm wrong about that. It would be great if you could read up on her threads. I copied links to her 3 first threads from the archives for you. THAT should keep you busy for a bit LOL

Wife in MLC

Almost Walked Away Wife

Almost a WAW

As I mentioned in an earlier post. I won't move out and have no plans to file. Though I've pondered how much more disrespect I can tolerate before I feel driven to file myself. Once she moves out and makes her R(s) with OM known,, I will struggle hard with it all. But,,, my W has already committed to moving out and went to D. So this ball is already in play and I am absolutely sure she will follow up and take action on both of her threats/wants.

Well she may or may not, you have absolutely no way to know. My ex lived in the house for over 5 years after telling me he was no longer in love with me at bomb drop. Even after I gave him an ultimatum (OW or me) and filed for divorce when he chose her, he stuck around, and did not actually move out until a couple of months after our divorce was finalized. I guess this was my fault, for not forcing him to reap the consequences of his actions. He's reaping them for sure now that he and his Russian Tramp OW are married LOL, but still kind of cannot let go and texts or emails me at least once a week. It's very strange. But then, I think that he is deep in a MLC, and is not a WAH.

That's why I always say that DBing helped me to save myself. I finally got sick of his disrespect, and blaming everything that was wrong in the world (not just in our marriage) on me, being negative and hate filled about everything, including me and our sons, and expecting me to support him financially while he used every cent he had to fly over to visit OW in Moscow a couple of times. DBing and the supportive folks on this forum helped me to become strong enough to take my self respect back.

Maybe if I'd done that years earlier, we would have reconciled, because I definitely would have taken him back if he had chosen me. But since he did absolutely no work on himself in all that time, I doubt if any reconciliation would have been real or lasting, and he would have been back having EAs and PAs with Russian Green-Card-Seekers.

There is no way to predict what your wife will do Roe. And how you will feel when she does it. All you can do is keep working on yourself, and being the best dad you can be. I really think you are doing great! You are so much stronger and smarter than I was 8 months post bomb. I was still a weepy whiny mess!

one other quick note on the D aspect from my POV. For most practical purposes and basing a M on the reasons people marry in the 1st place. We are already D'd. Emotionally and spiritually anyway. The M certificate is a legally binding formality at this point. The fact is that W had checked out already. I think that was the moment of D, the moment she decided to abandon me emotionally in favor of the OM. One could argue that the D happened when she decided to have the A, emotional or physical. Though I do think choosing to engage in an A outside of one's M can be looked at as a D of marriage vows but I don't think the A is the time when someone actually checks out of the R and M. This is a different and very finite decision that happens on a different level of emotion and thinking. So yes,, I am theoretically D'd already. This understanding has helped me with detachment. The understanding that fear of losing my W and M is futile. I should not fear what is already lost and no longer available to me. I'm not giving up but trying to save something that is already gone makes no sense. Our best hope for our future is to start over again from the beginning. Maybe I'm wrong, I really don't know. But until I am certain she hasn't any interest to return then I can take heart knowing we are done with this M & R. It's a bitter pill to swallow but it's reality, it's here and it's now.

Well I agree with some of this. You are pretty smart to realize that your marriage, as you knew it, was over when she "checked out" emotionally. What you are working and hoping for now, is a new, better relationship in the future. Hopefully it will be with her. That would be the best thing for your kids. Maybe it will be with someone new. So while I agree that you are "theoretically divorced," I still draw a line between theoretical and actual divorce, and think it is important for someone to actually be legally divorced and on his or her road to emotional recovery before dating again. I know you have not said that is your plan, but I've seen over and over that it seems to be the next step for a lot of LBSs.

Anyway, I truly think you are doing great! And are making a lot of friends on here. Hang in there, dear Roe! You will have to change what ROE stands for soon, I think!