May Divorce Be With You

[qt4x11]

Yeah I have been trying to branch out more, and I’ve been trying to fight my natural tendency to forgo social situations and withdrawing into my hobbies and personal development activities. I’d really like to develop a network of friends that support me and that I can go out and have fun with. It’s been slow going, my wife took most of my couple friends and a lot of the friendships I had pre marriage have sort of withered away. I met some new people, mostly through meet up groups, 12 step meetings, and friends. Some of whom I talk to on the phone, there’s one guy I think is pretty cool - he’s an older guy who just got divorced, we’ve been talking on the phone about our evil ex wives. We’re going to go out for a drink this weekend and attend a meet up group together. There’s another guy who I met through my friend J, who’s pretty crazy and/or weird, but would be a fun guy to have along with me and J at the bars. One thing I’d like to start doing - I spend a lot of my time in ’12 step’ or ‘divorce support’ related meet ups and social situations. I’d like to start doing just ‘fun and social’ related meet ups.

I went over to my friend J’s house to watch the UFC a couple of weeks ago - he’s a great guy, he seems to be dating a good woman now and I’m happy for him. It was good to catch up with J. I took the kids with me to my friends birthday party at the Arlington Park, they got to see the horses and I lost $100 betting on the horse races, that was fun although I am still having difficulty adjusting to the ‘recently divorced guy with kids’ identity around my friends and family. I went to an Entrepreneur meet up group, that was pretty interesting. Last weekend was my birthday. My family really went all out and they threw me two parties - cousins and family friends came, people drove in from four hours away to attend these parties. I feel grateful to have a family that cares, I guess, but I feel sort of ashamed and embarrassed. I still feel a sense of failure, this is my first birthday without my wife in more than ten years. I think everyone just feels sorry for me.

In general I’m feeling more calm these days. In the past week I’ve been able to attend to some challenging divorce related situations, and I noticed that they did not affect me as strongly as they would have in the past. I think a lot of my more resilient mental state has to do with my realization of a couple things:

I have been through a really traumatic experience. My most trusted person suddenly turned on me and branded me as the villain of her life. I’ve lost my wife, my kids half of the time, a good chunk of my income now goes to child support and maintenance, I’ve lost my house, I’ve lost my dog. I have been living out of a suitcase for almost 4 months. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve had health issues, I’ve had to undergo emergency surgery in which I almost died. I had to take a month off from work on temporary disability. I’ve had the police called on me. I’ve spend tens of thousands on lawyers. I’ve lost friends and family members. I’m damaged, at this point I have to turn my attention from my wife onto myself. I have to focus on healing myself right now and surviving this situation, if anything for my kids sake. I can’t worry about my wife at this point, and I don’t expect to somehow change her mind.

The thing that helped me the most regain clarity is to stop thinking about my wife and stop obsessing over the divorce. Stop the excruciating overthinking process in which I rehash the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ of my marital problems over and over. In the first couple of months, these thoughts flooded my mind 24/7. It’s unhealthy, this type of thinking, it reinforces negativity, it may lead to depression, and it destroys your self esteem. I have to push these thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. I find the best way for me is meditation, and keeping as busy as possible. I have really come to value activities that are healthy and take my mind off my divorce situation - immersing myself in my work, working on my side business in my free time, putting myself in social situations, exercising, etc.

My wife really pissed me off last weekend. I did her a favor by dropping off my son so he could make his doctor appointment, I offered to drive him to our house. She called up and said she is taking her mom to a restaurant for lunch and we could just meet there as it was halfway. I show up at the restaurant and she is there with all her girlfriends, who I’d imagine have been talking smack about me and despise me at this point. Another embarrassing and depressing situation. I sort of felt down about that the rest of the day.

We’re supposed to split our bank accounts, nothing has happened so far on that afaik. She is also supposed to move out of the house, I’m supposed to move back in. I’m supposed to live at our condo and fix it up so we can sell it and split the equity in the house. She still has not moved out. The kids are supposed to switch schools, they’ll be moving to a different part of town. The whole situation is heartbreaking to me, it would be real concrete steps towards the splitting up of our family. I’m dreading it and I’m trying not to think about it.

My thoughts have really shifted from - how do I get my wife to change her mind, to boy it’s going to be hard to adjust to my new financial situation. How are the kids holding up in all of this? It’s going to be so awkward - only having them half of the time, and having this other person, who I only communicate with in a business like manner, raise my children and make decisions about their lives. God this situation will also last for the rest of our lives. So awkward and depressing.

I talked to my daughter and she says she is fine and kissed me. Bless her little heart, I’m not just worried about her for now I’m worried about her for the rest of her life and how this will affect her.