Taking my first sip of the water

[sandi2]

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

We know. You were told bringing up the past and trying to talk about the R with her, is not the pathway to take at that point. But it was you that wanted to fix the R by talking about it. Remember?

I don't want to interfer with SH's mentoring, so I will try to keep this short.

Considering the past year and the emotional state you were in for so long.........I believe you need to do what make you happy.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

By initiating "things"............are you referring to show of affection? Do you mean initiate family activities? My take is to do whatever you want to do with the family. Don't make it tense and be in a strain. If she wants to participate, she will. If she doesn't participate, fine. Don't let her daily decisions dictate your emotions. Be happy, and the others follow your lead.

If you are referring to initiating affection........I suggest you continue presenting the atmosphere you have enjoyed the past three days. You may not be physically in the same location, but you can continue the pleasant attitude. Don't approach her for sex, b/c of how tense the relationship has been for so long. However, if you are standing next to her, walk past her, step around her.....etc., you could casually give her non-sexual touches. Most women want those non-sexual touches from the H. In your case, it may take weeks of slowly building a closer R with these little touches. Like, touch her shoulder, the small of her back, or her arm. Don't make it awkward, just act naturally and don't glare at her to see how she will react. After some time with these comfortable non-sexual touches, then we can discuss the next level of touches.

As a man, going without affection and sex for a long time........you are probably ready to jump into bed with her and have sex. For some women, they need for the relationship with the H to warm up before they are ready for the bedroom "affection". If you don't start with the little non-sexual touches and you just try to go right for the more intimate touching.......I think she will shoot it down. So, think of the non-sexual touches with you wife as step # 1 to foreplay. . Easy does it. And, if she shoves away from a little pat on the back..........you will know she's not quite ready for the intimate touching.

Is it over time attraction builds again ?

It just depends on the people and their situation. Attraction is not always about physical appearances.

Is it one day boom things just happen ?

Well, you never know, but I think for a couple who has been together as long as you.....it is more likely to go like a crockpot instead of a microwave. But once it gets there, then you have to stay plugged in to the R.

Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?

It's possible.

Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?

If you start with the non-sexual touches first, and continue with that level for a while.......then it will come a day you can reach for her. But don't watch her to see her reaction. Act like a sexy, confident male. If she pulls away, you will know she isn't ready. You really need to understand it will be baby steps.

Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Would you need to ask her, Ghost? For your own sake, would you need to ask her, and talk about things? Could you just start acting as if you are rebuilding a block at a time? My experience with you is that you have been stumped in a bad emotional place and don't seem to be able to follow through with the advice previously given. Since there was never proof of any affair, and considering your emotional/mental state, I am approaching your stitch a little differently this time. You have been painfully honest about your fears and right now, I don't think pressure from us is going to help you overcome your problems. You have got to get emotionally/mentally to a better place. I hope SH can show you how.

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

Is this something you expect to occur? She is still your W, and if you are out together and some man starts given her unwanted attention........then protect her. If she encourages the attention....then take her home.

I said I was going to keep this short, and didn't want to interfer with what SH was doing, and I've said too much. Hopefully, SH will check in with you today.