What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[roist]

Best wishes Wonka. Hope your mother and grandmother recover well and quickly.You are a great asset to this board but for now look after you and your kin.

[Cadet]

Best wishes Wonka.
Hope your mother and grandmother recover well and quickly.
You are a great asset to this board but for now look after you and your kin.

I totally agree.
Please take care of them!

[Coconut]

(((WONKA))), I'm so sorry to hear about your family, praying for a full and quick recovery.

Overall I have been doing pretty good, but I still am struggling with my anger, and my reaction to triggers. I'm not sure why, but I decided to drink last night, and I drank pretty heavy. It was fine until I saw a trigger, and being drunk and angry was not a good combo. I have never been a mean drunk, but I was last night and can't say enough how ashamed I am. I haven't been drinking much, but I've decided that I will not drink again until I have found peace, because I don't want to put myself or my WW through that again.

I'm going to IC to help with the anger, but it's going to take time. what's messed up is that earlier in the day, I really thought I was getting closer to a place of forgiveness, but obviously not so if triggers so easily put me back in a bad place.

[CT1118]

Drinking happens. I know what you mean though. As long as you realize what you gotta do about it. And the anger...I get it for sure.

[cbtdad]

Forgiveness and triggers are two different things in my opinion
You can forgive her, but you are still going to have things that trigger you for a long long time
And yes, drinking certainly does not help. I remember some of the ugliest fights my W and I had when we reconciled was when I was or we both were drinking
A trigger would happen and boom, game one
It's taken me 3 years to really get over my W's infidelity.
I remember when I use to think I was over it and then boom, a trigger
It's going to take time. Don't beat yourself up over it
Stay the course and keep working on you

[Coconut]

Things have been going better, I've really committed to stop being angry, it's not her fault (or responsibility) for how I feel, I need to own that responsibility and stop blaming her. I don't think I'll ever understand why she has done everything she's done, but I want to forgive.

In no means am I trying to buddy up with her, but I made her a cup of coffee this morning, and for the first time in a month we sat in the same room and conversed (nothing serious, just chit chat) and my son looked very confused lol... Anyway, when son took off, I did give her a heart felt apology for the other night when I was drunk and that I didn't like the me that I saw that night (there was no physical but I did throw her phone in an attempt to break it and was very mean verbally and by text). I think back through my life and I don't remember ever really being angry at anyone, I mean really angry, sure I haven liked things people did and have had my fair share of fights, but I've never really had to learn how to deal with anger before. But never too late to learn.

[sandi2]

Coconut, the forgiveness may not be a one time thing and then it's over. Every time you have a trigger, you will silently have to forgive her again. You won't have to tell her, but tell yourself that you forgive her.

It seems like it would be a very tall order for the LBS, doesn't? We have had post-DBers who would come back to tell the ending of their journey. It always seems so encouraging to those here who are struggling. Some couples make it, and some don't. However, those LBS's who have been able to forgive and adjust to their new lives.......speak with peace.

[Coconut]

I'm getting pretty frustrated with her, it's been a month and a half since she agreed that we need to sell the house, and all she's done so far is sign the listing agreement with the realtor. The realtor is a friend of hers so I told her that is her baby and she needs to set up the times to get pictures done and provide the information for the listing.

So after a month and a half of nothing I am getting really pissed because I'm ready to move on, but I think I handled myself pretty well. I just told her that I was concerned about the time it's taking to get the house listed, and that she needs to understand that I've applied for a lot of jobs out of state, and when I get offered a position, I'm taking it. That will mean that I will not be able to continue to pay for half the house..

I'm not sure if she has some ulterior motive, like thinking I'll just stay and pay half the mortgage for however long it takes to sell, but hopefully she gets the message, because I'll let the house go into foreclosure before I allow her to trap me by using the house.

I still mourn what could have been, and I'm not happy my M is ending, but at least I know that coconut will be ok, I'm excited about the adventures that lie ahead, albeit sad that i'll be going on the adventure alone.

[RSG]

Just throwing this out there: Could she be trying to get you to stay, and work on things?

[Rose888]

You "told her that [selling the house] is her baby"? And now you're unhappy that she hasn't done the work for the thing you want and she doesn't?

When I assign another adult a task that matters more to me than it does to them, it rarely goes well.

I've come to recognize it as a sign of me trying to control someone else.