Taking my first sip of the water

[ATPeace]

So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.

As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.

I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.

Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.

Sandi I have BOLDED UP PARTS OF YOUR REPLY and I think this next part sums up what I need to be doing ....

I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?

I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can, I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible.

There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!

I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it.

sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better

We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet

I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.

So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?

Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?

Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????

I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things

So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.

I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.

I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.

This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you

Ghost