Thanks for chiming in, Sandi. It's so helpful to get your insight.
I don't understand why you kept the MC appointment, b/c it was just another opportunity for her dramatic persuasion. MC needs to be postponed indefinitely. MC only works when both parties want to save the M and are willing to do the necessary work.
--Up to this point, even though things were tanking in our R the last couple of months, there were little snippets of communication that felt productive from time to time. At this point it's clear MC is becoming a theater for her to restage how rotten our MR was and she's trying to rewrite herself as the victim. The C isn't really buying into it, which makes me feel saner, but I agree with you, it's hurting the MR more than it's helping and it's time to pull the plug.
She quickly showed her colors when she was saying she would leave S with you, and you would just have to deal with daycare. When she was spewing with you..........notice how it was all about her wants and needs. And it appears she has a great need to date, at the moment. Even if it means leaving her son! Sad, but not uncommon with a WW.
--She quickly backpedaled and said she was going to take him away, but yes, it was shocking that "dating" now is so important to her she'd even momentarily suggest the idea that she'd just leave our S! Everything is absolutely about what she wants at this point. She is incredibly self-centered right now that I am speechless.
Okay, so now you need to be on guard b/c she will get advice from all her females groupies about how she needs to get everything in the D. At the time of her big spew, her main issue was freedom to date. Her demands have not ended, so beware.
--She has a close group of 2-3 friends that she has reconnected with in the past several months and she is basically in a never-ending text/chat with them on her phone. The are childless singe women who change boyfriends every several months and these friends are acting as her sounding board/cheerleaders. I am sure that they are all brainstorming what she should do next.
I agree that you need legal advice in knowing where you stand, child custody/support, protecting your finances, property, retirement. Etc. She will try to get everything. You are no longer dealing with the girl you M.
--Consulted with a L today. It was a sobering experience but I came to understand what different paths we could take and I have a bit more of a grasp on potential issues of custody, alimony, child support, and all those sorts of things. None of it was fun to think about, but I left with more clarity about potential outcomes and that has made me feel less trepidation and more in control. I will not tell her about talking to the L at this point and certainly won't bring up discussion of D to my W again unless she initiates it, but if it does come down do it, I have a plan of action.
Be very careful what you reveal to her. It may feel strange not sharing, but it's for your own protection. Also, in the very near future, you may see different sides of her....kind of like different personalities. If she suddenly comes on as sweet and nice........that's a big red flag waving. It is not some sign she is reaching out or that she is reconsidering anything. No, it is her softening you for her next hit.
--Yes, I can already see the tip of the iceberg on that. Also, I notice that when she acts horrible or insensitive, she will follow up with a token gesture or just try to engage me in conversation like nothing happened. It's really disturbing and irrational behavior the more I distance myself and think about it. It's having the effect of helping me detach more, actually.
At this point, since the blow-up 4 nights ago, I have not been initiating any dialogue or contact with her. We only communicate (through txting) about scheduling to watch or S. We live on opposite sides of the house and have different work schedules so NC is fairly easy.
I realize my words are not comforting right now. I am trying to give you information to use this week and those to come. Things will get worse, and that's okay.......b/c that's how it plays out before the WW will give up her fantasy world and turn back to the woman you remember. Please take this information and use it in preparation, so that when you see it unfold before your eyes.....you won't crash & burn.
--Thanks for this. I expect the worst is still yet to come...
Those H's are focused on the actions/behavior/attitudes of his WW, instead of focused on a plan for himself. He is actually allowing her attitude/moods to determine what type of day he has.
--Unfortunately this describes me as well. Ever since W gave birth to our S and had post-partum depression, I've allowed my mental state to be dominated by her moods and feelings. I was even worse after the BD of "ILYBINILWY" or course. This obviously has made me unattractive and unrespectable in her eyes. I feel lately I am finally starting to detach.
The way back to a healthy MR begins with her respect. Until she feels respect for you, she will not desire to have you as her H. The disrespect kills her attraction for you. So, let respect be your light at the end of the tunnel. The bigger the light becomes, the closer the M has a chance of survival.
--This is really the heart of the matter, isn't it? I realize how little respect she has for me know and slowly coming to terms with the fact that that has been gradually showing itself over the past few years. Snipping at me, being condescending at times, etc. I'm spending time reflecting on how to regain that respect. It seems working on detachment and reflecting on the things that I need and want out of life are key here.
I do think that I need to let go of my grip on the marriage. I need to stop being afraid of losing it and losing her, as they are really both already gone. The great irony not lost on my here is that it was probably my fear of losing my W, and the mindset that that created in me, that contributed to pushing her away from the MR.
Thanks for your insights--they are always keen and direct.
I would love to hear more from any peeps who have been working toward regaining their W's respect.
