Confused on What to Do

[Eagle11]

Jack_Three_Beans, thanks for responding.

I had never thought about a MLC until Sandi2 brought it up to me this morning. I just assumed a MLC wouldn't happen to a women in her mid 30's. I need to do more research to try to figure this out.

I don't trust her about the sex. I know she doesn't like it but I think it might be different with a new man. When we first got together she loved to have sex (or at least she acted like it), then after we got married it went away. She would often get into it if she had a few drinks. That really loosened her up. It got to the point where if she had a few glasses of wine in the evening I knew we would probably have sex that night. At first that was good, but as time went on it began to make me feel bad. Like she will only have sex with me if she is drunk. When she visited his offices last week, I thought there was a 50/50 chance something physical could happen if she didn't drink, but if she had a few drinks at dinner I am almost positive something would happen. The only thing that may have saved it was that she was with 8 or 9 other people and had to drive back to the hotel with them.

As far as confronting her, that's where I am really unsure on what to do. It would be totally against my personality to confront her on this. I am too passive and would not want to start a confrontation. I am not strong enough and I hate to say it but maybe not man enough around her to challenge her on things. If I confronted her I think it would be not what she expected.

As far as the password goes, if she changed it I know it would be for the better. The last few weeks when it was changed were easier on me than the last day. I was clueless on what she was doing and I know I was better for it. If she did change it and then change it back then I don't know what she was trying to do. I don't know if she wants me to see the texts and that would lead me to divorce or if she wants me to speak up and fight for her. I'm thinking she wants me to want the divorce but who knows at this point.

A few questions for you.

Is she seemingly confused, or uncertain?

Is she dressing up or acting younger, working out more?

Has she re-written any of your married history?

Is she doing more fun things and forgetting her responsibilities?

OK and a few questions about you:

What are you doing for yourself? Are you keeping active?

Have you let yourself go since being married?

Do you have a decent real life support group? A few friends you can relax with?

As for answers to your questions:

At first she seemed confused or she was depressed. The first week this went on she didn't look at me or talk to me. Since she moved into the guest room she has been more herself and she told me she feels more comfortable because we are like roommates. She has also went to the doctor and started back on anti depressants, which she should have been taking all along but she had stopped (She suffers from panic attacks).

She also has told me she wants to divorce but she wants everything to remain the same. She wants me to continue to live at the house with her and take care of the kids while she works. She said she would pay for everything except things I want to do for entertainment or recreation. I told her that would not happen and she couldn't understand why. I told her people don't divorce and live happily ever after in the same house, but she practically begged me to make this happen.

She has lost a lot of weight since the EA started. She wasn't fat, she was average for a 35 year old women. Now she is really thin. I know she went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and found out she had lost over 20 pounds since last December. She is basically not eating anymore. She has ate dinner with us once since this started. She also has started back at the gym the last couple of weeks. She still dresses the same, but she did go buy new bras and panties at Victoria Secret the week after this all started. Also, by my snooping I discovered she is looking into a tattoo, which is something she has never mentioned getting before.

I don't know how much marital history she has rewritten, but now she says she been unhappy for a very long time. I told her we've been up and down, but she said our marriage has been nothing but down. If it was so bad, I don't understand why we bought a house 2 months ago. You would think that would be something you wouldn't do if you were thinking about leaving.

I don't know if she is doing anything fun. She basically has a life that consists of going to work for about 12-13 hours a day and coming home and going to bed. Now she does spend most of her time at work texting the OM, but she isn't doing anything fun that I am aware of. She could be going places while I think she is at work, but I don't know. Even on the weekends she is not really doing anything. Also, her texts with the OM seem to stop or are reduced on the weekend. They text about 6 times on Saturday and none yesterday. Of course he sent her a text about 8 this morning and they have been texting all day. I wish I knew more about the OM. I know he was married, but I don't know if he is still. His wife or ex is on facebook but she hasn't mentioned him for almost 2 years.

As far as me, I am trying to stay busy. Taking care of these 2 boys takes up the week for me and the W is not here to help. The weekends are much the same. Spending time with the boys. This last weekend I spent a good portion of each day cleaning the house we were renting before we bought because the lease is up at the end of the month. I used to play golf at least once a week but I haven't done that since this all started. I have gotten to the driving range, but don't really have the desire to play right now.

I don't really have any close friends here. We have only lived here for 1 year and we've moved so much that it has been hard for me to meet new people. There are a few guys that I play golf with, but I haven't seen them since this started.

Finally, I have put on maybe 20 pounds since getting married. I don't dress as nice anymore because I am at home all day with the kids instead of going to the office. Most days are shorts and t-shirt for me. It's basically the same thing she wears when she is not at work.

I understand what you mean about family. The couple of people I have told about this basically have told me to dump her and move on. They seem more angry than I am at her. Also, I better not defend her on anything, because they will let me know about it. I think that's why I like posting here. Nobody knows me and everyone seems helpful. I am also going to go to a therapist tomorrow for the first time since this started.