I have been on the newcomers board but Sandi2 thought I might get better advice over here. I posted a link to my thread over there.
Here is a brief summary of what is going on.
I'm 39 and my W will be 36 tomorrow. We have a S6 and S2. We have been together for 12 years and married for 10. My W has been very successful at work but it has caused us to move around a lot. We have lived in OH, AZ, FL, NY, OH and GA over the last 10 years. With all the moving around and the 2 young boys I became a stay at home dad about 5 1/2 years ago.
Our marriage has been pretty typical I would say. Normal up and downs with only really trouble one time. In the winter of 2008-2009 my W had a EA with a man that lasted about 2-3 months. The guy actually lived in OH while we were in AZ and she traveled there to see him. They ended up kissing but nothing else. A couple of months later we got our marriage back together and for the most part it has been relatively normal since.
In late July my W had to go to Las Vegas for a work conference where I believe the last night a work colleague of hers tried to kiss her. She said she didn't let him (but I don't know if this is true). Anyway a couple days after she got home she started texting him a lot. I have found out they text close to 150 times a day. About a week after her EA started with the OM she sat me down and told me she didn't think she could be in our marriage anymore. She said she was unhappy and had been for a long time. This was all news to me, I will admit our marriage has gotten stale and our communication was bad but I never thought it was over. In fact we had just bought a house at the end of June. I couldn't understand who would buy a house and then want a divorce a month later. That same night I found her texting the OM and I managed to read a few of the texts which of course were sexual. She said he didn't mean anything and it just made her feel good and wanted. I asked her to stop and work on our marriage, but she didn't know if she could.
Over the last 3 weeks she has became more normal towards me. At first she was very cold and distant. She was often angry at me but lately she has acted normal. She moved into the guest room and she told me she is more comfortable now because she feels like we are roommates.
She has also started to see a therapist.Through therapy she has discovered she has abandonment issues with me. Her dad and mom divorced when she was 6 and she has always had a bad relationship with her dad. Then her stepdad (who she always considered her real dad) died of ALS when she was 18. She told me she is angry towards him for dying and leaving her. She also explained that before she met me she would cheat on a boyfriend so she wouldn't get hurt. She said she would rather do the hurting. She said she thinks this is what she is doing to me now.
She also told me about being raped by a boyfriend in college. She had mentioned it once before when we had just started dating, but I didn't really know what to say and she never brought it up again. She has had sexual issues since we got married. She told me recently she hates sex. She said she finds it gross an doesn't want to do it. I asked her if it had to do with the rape and she said she wasn't sure.
I have also thought about how she is with our kids. She is a great mom when the kids are in need. If the kids are sick she is supermom and will take care of them. With the more day to day stuff she doesn't seem interested. I know she works hard and it's really on me to raise them during the week, but it is not uncommon for her not to even call home when she is out of town. She will tell me she fell asleep or had to stay out late and didn't want to wake us.
The OM who she is having an EA with lives about 3 hours away. He holds the same position as her but works in a different office. Last week she had to go to his office to work with him for one day. She spent the night there before coming home the next day. I don't know if the EA turned to PA last week.
I actually didn't know if she was still having the EA because on 8/11 I tried to login to our phone account and it said the password was wrong. I figured she must have changed the password and didn't say anything. Last night I was bored and tried the password again and got into the account. That's when I discovered the EA is still going strong. She is being more discreet now. She is mainly doing the texting while she is away from home or I am, but she texted him 2600 times since this started. She has to go back to his office in two weeks for 3 days and 2 nights so I'm figuring if nothing happened last time it will surely happen next time.
Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I don't know if she is an MLC, but Sandi thought maybe you all could help out because she wasn't sure what to do. I haven't told her that I found out about the texts other than the ones at the beginning. I feel I need to confront her but I am not really sure how to do that. I know this EA needs to end to have any chance to heal our marriage, but I don't know how that could happen.
Thanks for reading and sorry about the long summary.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
