Job, I will read it again and I think that you are very right to ask me to do that. I think that I need to read even the DB and DR again and rehearse Sandy's rules a few times again.
This whole fear mode is my worse enemy. I have a really hard time to process things as they are. The possibility without the expectations. I actually never though I do that all the time in every area of my life.
I really need to stop the R talks. I know and I keep doing like a child. Need to do some grown up myself.
Job, I feel like an Yo-Yo most of the time regarding XH. I feel he loves me, he wants me but then he throw a cold water bucket on me and then I get sad because all that goes away.
I said this before and keep seeing the same pattern with XH. I cool off and put some distance and then he comes around again. I guess I need to understand the pattern and do not let him interfere in my life as much. (easier said then done).
Job, do you think we still have a chance even with all this going on? You saw a lot in these boards and I think you have more knowledge then me. Did you see these kind of situations with the MLCears? Do they really keep distant and then come around to just check out to see if you are still there for them?
It really feels this way many times. It is like he is trying to assure himself that he will mess around and then I will get angry. But in the same time he brings stuff to the plate to show me almost that he is working on us, his terms, his ways. Like the stuff about talking to me about his feelings that he didn't do during our M.
Or like when he says always, that moving away is not the way to solve our problems.
I feel like I want to ask... "So, are we working on our problems?" But I do not want to ask so straight forward like this, but I get all mixed up in the same time.
It's like doing things but never talking about what we are doing for sure.
And that weekend when he came forward saying that he wants to be friends and go out together? He said he would organize it and let me know and then I should just move on like nothing happen?
Sorry Job for my long internet crying. I am just so tired of all this. I do everything else. He just take the kids to eat out, that is his part. I do all the other stuff. Sometimes I feel even disgusted that he is the way he is right now. And he still says that he is very busy... working hard to provide for the family.
I just can't believe so much insanity. The land of MLC is pure hell, it is a long walk on the valley of the shadows, literally.
But again, as I always do, I come here to get some strength to live another day. And as you said, let God drive the bus for a bit.
Funny that our faith actually puts us together all the time. If you look from outside, it is like a fight between good and evil.
Today the Pastor, his wife, my XH and me will be working at my house. I am prepare to make a good and healthy dinner, so we may have a good time and I will try my best to just be and let God do his thing.
I love you Job, you have been with me for a long time in this journey. You are an awesome person!!! God bless you!!!
