Thank you Andrew, but the reality is that I really don't know if I ask him to take his stuff out of my garage at this point. There is a side of me that keep hoping he left it there because he is in this MLC mess, but there is a part of me that has pain for having that hope alive. I just don't know.
About the airport ride. Well, it didn't happen. At church it was as usual. I sat on my own and he was there, sitting on his own too.
After the service, he asked to talk to me and walked outside with me because I was leaving. He then told me that he couldn't pick up S16. That he had some things to do and that he would just go to the airport but then go to his place after that.
I said it was fine, that I was planning to get him anyway and that I was also driving S18 to his college afterwards. I started walking to my car, got in and he was there by my door. When I started the car he gave me a check for the kids expenses and I just said thank you, goodbye.
I know it was cold and my reaction was really because I had expectations. All my fault for putting myself in that position.
Then a few minutes later he called and because my phone was on silent, I didn't hear it. Around 5:30pm I checked my phone and had a message from XH saying that he would pick up S16 at the airport and would drop off S18 at his college and that I did not need to worry about because he rearrange things around it.
I can just say that I am not so detached as I tough I was because it bothers me. Should I just understand it is life and move on, or get frustrated because everything is a deal.
I really try my best to just let go, but he always confuse things around and then I need to be in between this kind of events. I have a plan to do something and then it changes as the wind.
I called him and said that he didn't need to do that because I was already planning to, and that S18 wouldn't be going to college very early because he would like to talk to his brother a little bit.
XH said that it was OK and that was my business. Then I lost it, I asked him why he was being so mean and treating me like trash. That two weeks ago he was all friendly and talking about being good friends and then he was mean and cold.
He said that it was not true and that he was just trying to help me. He said: I could never treat you like trash because I like you, I actually love you.
Me - You are going crazy, and the best thing I can do is to keep my distance and give you the gift of my absence.
XH - I do not have any problem being around you, and I do not think it will resolve anything.
Me - It won't be long now, our younger kid has two school years and then I can actually put some miles in between, move somewhere and stop this insanity.
XH - As I told you before it won't solve anything, you will go with yourself and have the same issues. I really think that you should stay here but I won't be an anchor if you want to move somewhere, or get a better job some other city.
Me - Well, you left it clear two years ago when you said you were done, you left and as much as I have hoped, I understand now that this is really what you want and I can just take it the way it is and move on from here.
XH - It's amazing how you will always remember how things ended. You will never remember that you were the one that left much earlier, that for years you didn't love me anymore and was out of the R.
Me - Yes I know all what you have to say, and all what I can do is to buried my guilt inside and live with it until I am dead. I can't change what I did, I see now that I missed many things and was not the best person. I learned so much in these last two years and see very clear that I could have reacted in a different way.
XH - And that is why I told you last week that when you said that if I didn't want to help making the sandwiches for the church, that I did not need to help, it hurt. I felt guilty and I did not like the way you said that and guilty me into doing something. I really know that you didn't mean that, but I did not like the way I felt. And I told you that because I know that in the past I never told you how I felt and I think it was unfair to you, and to both of us. I think that I need to say the way I feel to you and talk about it.
Me - I get it, and actually it is another reason why I need to be away from you, so I do not do or say things that can hurt you again. For so many years I have been hurting you, I do not need to do this again.
XH - You do not hurt me, you do not bother me, I am fine around you. It won't solve the problem to be away.
So, changing the subject, I asked him if he could bring me back the camping tent because I would like to use it in the coming weekend. He paused and then said that it was OK, he would bring it to me Monday night, when he is actually coming to my house to work on some legal paperwork for the church.
When S16 and him arrived at the house from the airport, he came in and then walked to me and gave me a strong hug. Did not say anything, just hugged strong and long. He smiled and said: I will see you tomorrow then.
Now, that I am writing it all. I can see that I have been reacting a lot to everything. I can see that the fact that S18 left for college is still very fresh on me and that I have been feeling it without recognizing it painful.
Lots of work to do on the "Let go" area. It's maybe the hardest thing I ever did. I want to let go and I am afraid to let go. I want to let go and that it won't bother me anymore, but in the same time I have this fear that if I let go then my love for him will disappear.
Yes, I don't make any sense. If the love disappear, then I won't feel bad anymore.
How can I just ignore it all? How can I just state the way it is and do not allow him to make a hell around me? How can I set boundaries?
I feel that I can give it a shot and let him get closer, be open about a possibility and be friends. But then what to do when he messes my stability with his crazy change of plans all the time?
I wish I can be on a gray zone sometimes, but it is very hard for me. I was and I am more like black and white and it does not go well with this XH. His gray zone is very vast and things change all the time. For him, it all make perfect sense, for me it is insanity.
I guess I will go back into my cocoon and let him be. I will disappear for awhile and get my peace of mind back.
This MLC thing is pure torture. I just wish it was not happening.
