Budding

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your support. I have learned that when you go through the discard cycle with someone of my XH's personality that you have to let go of the need for closure in the typical way. I will probably never have the answers I need. I might never understand what was lurking behind the scenes and so I have let it go. But I am finding closure in other ways. I physically moved out when I was forced to, over a year ago. But I had very little of my things. So even though I didn't live there anymore, I wasn't moved out. I finally got to do that last week. My first time in the home in 13 months. It made me sad, not because I miss it because I don't. That place was disgusting. As much as I tried to make it feel homey there was always clutter. I would clean off a table, it would get piled up with his clothes, papers, anything. I would rearrange the furniture to create a more welcoming open space, he will bring a new piece that someone was throwing out to clutter the place up. Constant disarray. Not to mention the musty smell, being in a wooded area, not much sun light on the first floor. On a slab which caused the kitchen floor to get wet and slippery in the humid summer months. And stink bugs always found their way in. I have a weak sense of smell, but when I walked in I recognized the familiar smell of that home immediately--like dirt or old coffee grounds.

I cried as I walked around. Everything was packed up as if he were moving out. He wanted me to take almost everything. I knew exactly what I wanted and thought I knew where they were, but he had packed it all up. The house was barren. No trace of me, but nothing to replace that missing aspect. That is how my kids have been living for the past year?

The upstairs was better. The kids rooms were pretty much the same with some of their own minor changes made to them. My room was the freakiest experience. I walked in and the room was unchanged. Exactly the way I left it the last time I was allowed in to grab what I needed (what was supposed to be for 2 months but ended up being 13 months). Even the bouquet of flowers that my students gave me the last day of school a few weeks before I left, sat dried and unmoved for 13 months on the corner of a book shelf. The rush of emotions connected to that awful year was overwhelming. I had to leave to regroup. I cried to some of the neighbors, careful about what I said because they are his coworkers, and OWs coworkers and possible friends. They were supportive, hugged me, emotional with me. Regardless of friendships I get the sense that the general sense is one of support for me.

I planned on digging up some bulbs in my flower garden that I took from my grandmother's garden when her house was sold after she died. But Xh had already dug up and tossed them. Let it go--MS.

Then my work crew showed up, some female relatives, my brother, and a couple of "college hunks" I hired. We had everything out of there and set up in my new place in 3 hours. I went back one last time to make sure I didn't forget anything.

I felt good leaving. It didn't feel like home. It didn't feel like anyone's home. It reminded me more of a storage unit--with the exception of the kids' rooms. I hope that he will make it more homey for the kids' sake since they have to spend 50% of their time there.

Then this weekend I spoke to some of the parents of my kids' friends. There was a pang, a reminder that this year will still be wrought with gossip and whispers. OW and Xh are out in the open. Apparrently she was in my new home before I moved out, moving things in. Rumor was she was moving in, but I think she was just helping him move things. I think they also moved a lot of things out because even the attic was empty. She probably advised him to pack up everything so I wouldn't spend too much time there. Maybe he is moving out? I have a feeling he stays with her when he doesn't have the kids. She owns a home, probably the thing that made him fall in love with her in the first place. He couldn't build the life he thought he deserved so instead he decided to weasel his way into the life another man built and was pushed out of.

OW has no idea what she has gotten herself into. And I think I am mostly over it. Except for the public scrutiny. It will be another tough year, and this year it will be more open and in my face I am sure. My broken heart is mending, I am over him--not quite over the pain but it isn't a bad feeling. It reminds me that I loved--and my love was real even if his wasn't. I don't want to lose that softness--I don't want to forget how good it felt to love like that--even if it makes me sad to know how it ended. It is the humiliation I need to overcome this year. Seeing my replacement paraded around, and knowing that publicly people are accepting of it because they are the ones who mutual acquaintances have to deal with on a regular basis.

One more tough year to get through, and then I think it will start to stabilize.