I missed part of Zephyr's question, probably an important part.... What I hope to get from the coparent counseling.... Yes, I hope for some clarity, some answers, some idea of where xW's head is at, and mostly for a whole bunch of "why's" to be answered. In a way I know that is totally not xW's intent, but I think it is inevitable for it to go there. She is frustrated by things I have supposedly said to the kids, but I haven't said those things. As that info comes out, what will happen? She will believe me? She will become confused of her own thoughts? She will realize she was wrong? The counselor will tell her how screwed up her perception is? Or, things could stay bad, she will get defensive and say I am just denying things that I actually did. She will claim I am trying to manipulate the counselor? Trying to make her look like the problem? She will stop seeing a counselor completely? We've only been to a counselor together once, and it was nearly 20 years ago, she went one more time to that same counselor and I have no idea what was said, she never shared, and never went again. What happened then?
The next question, WHY is it my motive to have those answers come out? To prove to someone that I am not crazy, that I am not the problem? Prove to who? To her? To myself? To anyone who will listen? I feel it is an important step for me to prove that. Why, I don't fully understand.
I know this is somehow related to whatever is holding me back with GF. Like I need closure and haven't gotten it. I fear I never will. I fear xW will state over and over that she doesn't want to rehash the past. But it is xW's twisted reality causing her resentment, her bitterness, and there are a lot of examples of this that happened in the past. Can we talk about coparenting moving forward without that discussion happening? Can "I" move forward without that doscussion? It is so frustrating that this is just so clear what the issue is, and it hasn't been addressed. It hasn't been "fixed." I haven't fixed it. I feel the need to fix it.
Wow, this totally turned into "journaling" and went a different direction than I expected as I began typing. It helped me sort out some thoughts, but I fear it is showing that my questions aren't the ones I should be asking myself.
